I, Lizo Mzimba, allow you to view British greatest movie and play director at his mental low and professional top. The following interview took place in 2037, just after he released his movie biopic of former rock star and Prime Minister Carl Barat. I hope this allows you to view the misunderstood “maverick cop” in a different light, hopefully a sympathetic and loving light.
Q) Hello Heath, you were formerly known for you outrageous antics and amazing charismatic personality. How did this period of your life make you feel?
A) Great question, Winston. I feel that period of my life came out of being sick and tired with the artistic draught that was taking place in the Chorley/Leyland area in late 2007. At the time there was nobody out there who had the balls, like me, to wear a jumper/cardigan without a shirt underneath – when I first did this people said I was crackers, others said I was a mis-understood genius. It’s up to you to decide, and you know why? Because this is a democracy and we have choice.
Q) But what would you say to the people who said, and some still do say, that you had a nasty streak to your wonderful personality?
A) Utter codswallop! Not once have I ever raised a fist or octane at a person, object or animal, and if anybody has evidence, not just ‘their word’ I would like to see it, because I tell you one thing these allegations would not stand up in court! So why should I take this rigmarole on the streets.
Q) Some say that you have been disrespectful in the past and that your ego got in the way of your former kind and loving nature…
A) What former kind and loving nature – haha! I only joke; you don’t win a Palme D’Or for helping the blind cross the road. My ego? Never been a problem, I’ve always been in control of my so-called ego, never a problem. But I would like a cold can of coke! - *laughs*
Q) So what would you say the reason for having a young, midget Turkish boy carrying your baggage around the set was?
A) That? That was just standard practice. Every director, in the top ten of an academic subject, had to have a disabled, or as I like to call them – a spak, carrying their baggage around. It’s human nature for the lesser to look after the superior AKA me.
Q) But do you not think that displays an ego?
A) Your persistent questioning comes from some ego – a great whopping big fat ego, my friend. You’re like leather, you brown cunt, leather man, make a suitcase out of you. You look disgusting you fat cunt.
Q) Excuse me?
A) I must apologise, it was the heat.
Q) Does that not show the temper and anger people have been talking about?
A) I don’t think it does, I think it shows a Machiavellian streak in oneself that puts me ahead in the rat race, and too a degree out of the rat race.
Q) Okay. So what are you currently working on?
A) Well, I’m glad you asked really. It’s a movie about vampires, but not an ordinary vampire movie, this movie is about homosexual vampires – because if you think about it a vampire, ultimately a man as Dracula is, is ultimately gay when he is sucking the blood of other men. So I thought ‘why not take this to another dimension?’, so I decided to write a script in which a vampire, Dracula, bites a man, but becomes so infatuated by him that he can’t bring himself to bite him one more time – but here comes the twist…he is the last man on the planet!
Q) Wow. How long have you been writing this?
A) I’ve not, I’m a bloody genius and thought of that on the spot.
Q) Don’t want to sound like I’m brown nosing but you’ve a special creative mind that drives you ahead of the rest.
A) haha, thanks. Michael Haneke and Ken Loach said exactly the same thing just a few days ago.
Q) How are they?
A) Is this a fucking interview about them fucking cunts, fucking telling me how fucking great I am? I don’t fucking need them to fucking tell me how fucking great I am. And you fucking know why BECAUSE I FUCKING KNOW I’M GREAT!
Q) Okay. I’m so sorry
A) Don’t apologise, it’s not your fault – it’s that damn wasp it’s really winding me up and just making me feel nauseas. Go on, ask the next question, and don’t mind me.
Q) Mmmh. So have you been working on anything exclusively before that great mind wave?
A) Ahhh, yeah – A play about school children who plan a robbery of a pornography magazine from a newsagent. It’s a play about loyalty, friendship, discovery of oneself, comradeship, betrayal and childhood humour. I do believe that children are rarely portrayed correctly in plays or movies – and when they’re portrayed well as vulnerable, funny, free for all scallywags the movie or play director/screen writer forgets that around friends children have a foul mouth and can say hurtful things.
Q) Well, that has been addressed in o-
A) – shut the fuck up you snotty nosed kid who thinks he know every mother fucking intricate detail about fucking life and films, you think you know everything because you’ve got a fucking degree and you can fucking suck of lecturers for degrees, or if that fucking fails and your cum stained tongue begs mummy and daddy to buy your fucking results you mother fucking cunt. You fucking tanned up mother fucking fat alligator. Fuck off.
*Doctor Heath Linn storms out the studio*
I believe this shows the true nature of the great director; Heath Linn, before he sadly passed away yesterday, 30/08/2043. On one half a truly great mind, the other a man tortured by a wondering torment of his rejection from Lucy Jacksons party in 2009, such a crushing rejection can never be recovered from.
My best wishes and sympathies with Heath’s family and friend at the moment.
