Recently, the past two weeks or so, I have been shit scared of going to sleep in the dark. I look around my room and my eyes & brain are not working with one another. For example, last night there were two shadows, but to me I became scared and thought Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin, two men responsible for millions of deaths. But this is not all that happens, I’ve also started to see people when I close my eyes – people will be dancing, staring over the top of me, cackling and other frightening imagery; one example being all the girls in my flat stood over the top of me brandishing kitchen knives – to which I leapt out of bed.
I would now like to tell you about the most surreal and weird dream I’ve had in the past six months. It goes like this:
A man, whose mind is mine, but the body is not, plays for Everton football team and we’re playing against what seems to be a bunch of Sunday league footballers and we’re playing in a cemetery. However, whilst I am playing up front, Yakubu is not, he is not happy about this.
Firstly the former Portsmouth star sabotages my shorts – giving me a pair that are way too big for me and keep falling down and I wasn’t able to replace the shorts till the second half, by which time it was too late. Due to the shorts I was able to score as every time an opportunity arose my shorts would start to fall down!
So, we reach half-time and Yakubu gives me a packet of Skips (unaware to me the Skips are laced with Valium), as, according to Yakubu, we’re all out of fruit, due to this I was slow and lethargic for the rest of the dream. After this, on the way to the dressing room, Yakubu gave me the wrong directions to the changing rooms and I ended up in some sort of warehouse or slaughterhouse. This meant I missed the managers half time talk and the beginning of the second half.
However, that doesn’t matter by the end of the dream as I was met by an unpleasant crowd of Yakubu’s busies and Yakubu himself. Yakubu brandished a mini-chainsaw and started to attack me with it, getting a few hits, but with relatively no pain on my character (So I thought) and then I kept catching the chainsaw, but after a while of this my hand were cut off. For some reason I was now next to a mountain edge and was totally battered, with cuts, bruises and missing limbs all over my body.
In the end, I crawled over the edge of the mountain and jumped up in a cold sweat as I was falling. Paranoia man in cheap shit room.
