Rome wasn't built in a day. But I wasn't on that particuar job

Heath Linn (Chorley Super-Villain)

2011-11-12T04:13:00.001-08:00

The antics of Heath Linn (Chorley Super-Villain) are posted on Facebook, and entertain Mike Jordan and Mark Burn-It, therefore, due to this couple of mavericks his misdemeanours are now being made into a comic book.

In the first collection of comic, Heath Linn (Chorley-Super-Villain) finds himself against two of Chorley's most formidable foes, firstly, the woman stalking and attacking, Body Rock, a former 'Chorley's Strongest Man' who lost his title and wife to Heath Linn (Chorley Super-Villain), although Heath no longer wants his wife, and only banged her to taunt Body Rock. Body Rock finds his days confined to the closed down Body Rock Gym, Bolton Road, and at night preys on women. The second nuisance to Super-Villain is the Jewish mafia family, the Kaminski's, who's leader, Jimmy, has recently been put in jail for the murder of Heath Lynn (no relation to Super-Villain....). Heath Linn (Chorley Super-Villain) is forced into rescuing Jimmy from prison.

Rumours that DC Comics and Marvel are fighting over the rights to make it into a movie, with Christopher Lee as Heath Linn (Chorley Super-Villain) and Richard Gere as Body Rock.

Miss Bala

2011-11-12T04:12:00.001-08:00

Miss Bala, written and directed by Gerardo Naranjo (I’m Gonna Explode) is shit.

0/5

Time, Time, Time, You're Running out of Time!

2011-11-06T05:48:00.000-08:00

In university I have very little to do at the moment, I occasionally have to read handouts and prepare notes for seminars, but that is the only things I have to prepare week in, week out. Although, I am also writing my dissertation, but luckily I have been able to chose a dissertation which revolves around my two favourite subjects.

Films and mass death. Hollywood and World War II.

So far, I have not learned a great deal about the subject, I have learned, but not greatly. Mainly because I owe the library £5 and I don’t want to pay it, so I cannot withdraw any books.

Lately I have been reading a hell-of-a-fucking-lot, more than I have done in any point of my life, although for the first time in my life I don’t have a bedside lamp, which is very irritating. Recently I have read ‘Goodbye, Columbus’ by Phillip Roth, the ‘All my Sons’ manuscript by Arthur Miller, a collection of short stories by Roald Dahl. An interesting trilogy by Paul Auster, aptly named ‘The New York Trilogy’ containing the novels ‘City of Glass’, ‘Ghosts’ and ‘The Locked Room’, more detective novels, my favourite being ‘Farewell, My Lovely’ by Raymond Chandler. A few comic books, mainly Walter Pekar’s American Splendor trilogy and Rob Jackson comics 1. Finally, I have re-read ‘The Rum Diary’ by Hunter S. Thompson and ‘The Outsider’ by Albert Camus.

Film wise, I have not been watching loads lately, feeling a little uninspired, but have still seen one or two interesting movies. Louis Malles ‘Up the Scaffold’ is a really interesting movies, and probably one of the best of the ‘French New Wave’. I was looking to write about the French New Wave for my dissertation, but did not in the end, after further reading it was not possible due to a number of circumstances, mainly being that I do not believe it had a massive impact on politics in France and that it was not actually a ‘movement’ as it had no organisation and they did not work as a ‘movement’.

I may be a little uninspired by some of the movies that I have seen lately, which I am writing reviews about, they are still lurking in my ‘finder’ waiting to be completed. But, due to all my spare time, I have decided to start writing a film, the great ‘Geminted’, it is bloody hilarious, with some cracking lines, like this:

Georgia: You are the least rebellious person I know
Mark: I’ve been rebelling since birth…I had a caesarean

Me and my friends are hoping to make the film over the winter or Easter or Summer holidays, should be bloody good fun. I have also started writing a comic book for fun, I was bored last night listening to Mark Lawrenson and Alan Hanson during Match of the Day, so I began to write a comic strip. The comic strip follows a fictional Michael Palin, in the aftermath of the Life of Brian, and how he becomes secluded and isolated, stalked and hunted by Christians and Left-wingers. It is a comedic-thriller, so if any of the two followers out there can draw, you are invited to draw the comic.

Anyway, must continue with my dissertation now. I am going to start using this as a diary again, as it will be fun to look over the posts in the future.

Free bird, out.

They Live - Review

2011-08-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

The full movie of They Live is available here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYJIIPs-5rQ

They Live, John Carpenter’s 1988 dark comedy science fiction movie, produced on a budget of $3 million. They Live is based on Ray Nelson’s short story ‘Eight O’Clock in the Morning’. The original content does not have the political commentary of Carpenter’s adaptation, Carpenter’s movie critiques the consumption and commercialisation of the 1980’s America. Carpenter felt They Live was the suitable movie to comment on themes of greed, competitiveness, unemployment and inequality after watching TV and “realised that everything we see is designed to sell…the only thing they want to do it take our money”. Not a profound discovery, but an interesting subject for a dark comedy. During Carpenter’s attempts to sell the idea of the film to a Universal executive he was asked “Where’s the threat in that? We all sell out every day”, a question which was eventually included in Frank Armitage’s screenplay.

The plot of the movie revolves around Nada (Rowdy Roddy Piper - WWF and Hell Comes to Frogtown) and his eventual buddy Frank (Keith David - The Thing), who join a revolutionary force, led by Gilbert (Peter Jason - Carpenter film veteran), who are able to see the true identity of the ruling financial elites and collaborators (trade unionists, police and management). The tool of sight for the revolutionary forces are a brand of sunglasses. The sunglasses show the ghoulish alien identity of the financial elites. It is the plan of Nada and Frank to destroy the signal, which transmits subliminal messages for humans to consume and blinds them from the true nature of the financial elites.

They Live contains many highlights which stick in your memory long after the movie, which has helped this movie achieve cult status. A five minute brawl between Nada and Frank, which required 3 weeks of rehearsal, and one of my favourite scenes in film - Nada entering a bank to exclaim ‘I have come here to kick ass and chew bubblegum…and I’m out of bubblegum’.

They Live is a fun film, with dark contents. All aspect of the movie are brilliant, apart from the music (John Carpenter and Alan Howarth) which is the true bad guy of the 1980’s! They Live is the movie which Jean-Luc Godard could never make, a film which takes aim at capitalism and doesn’t alienate the viewer.

5/5

The Long Goodbye - Review

2011-08-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

There are spoilers in this post, specifically at the end of paragraph three.

The Long Goodbye, Robert Altman’s adaptation of Raymond Chandler’s final published novel in the Phillip Marlowe Mysteries series. Phillip Marlowe, the troubled, chain smoking, excessive drinking private dick is played by Elliot Gould (Friends, M*A*S*H).

Robert Altman has taken Phillip Marlowe from his 1950’s setting of the Raymond Chandler novels, and placed him in the 1970’s living amongst a group of hippie birds who spend the entire film topless and baked. Marlowe’s fish out of water nature is shown through his old car, references to old movie stars (albeit, Jimmy Stewart) and his interest in jazz. The music is the most interesting feature of the entire film, the music composed by John Williams (Star Wars and Indiana Jones) and performed by Jack Sheldon.

The plot follows the disappearance of Marlowe’s best friend Terry Lennox, the death of Terry Lennox’s wife, a rich Malibu beach community couple, a lifestyle hospital, the L.A. police and L.A. gangsters who Lennox owes $250,000. However, none of the aforementioned are neatly woven, and the story is never as complex and interesting as Chandler’s novels are. This is the greatest shame of this spirited adaptation. The female half of the Malibu beach community couple is Eileen Wade, who gives Marlowe his biggest breakthrough in his case with little to no detective interrogation, panache or wit which the Phillip Marlowe of the novel series uses in obtaining information from witnesses, suspects and police. For example, Eileen Wade gives up the information that “Yeah, Roger Killed (Terry Lennox’s) wife” and “Yeah, Terry Lennox is alive”.

Elliot Gould’s performance is entertaining and offers a different take on Chandler’s anti-hero, and Altman’s movie is anaesthetically pleasing, but the major let down, which ruins the entire adaptation is the lack of an exciting & challenging plot and witty screenplay.

2/5

Uncle Chop Chop

2010-09-07T03:17:00.000-07:00

Kids, do not hit or rape women. This will happen.

Film Blog

2010-09-03T07:49:00.001-07:00

The film blog, the E number of this under acclaimed and under-referenced blog. 2010 has been a poor year for new releases in Lancashire cinemas - the majority of exciting movies coming from the larger cinemas instead of Cornerhouse (formerly known as Pornerhouse). However, the coming weeks and months sees a healthy selection of new film releases.

Starting with the present, The Secret in Their Eyes, an Argentinean thriller which is currently showing at Cornerhouse

Step Brothers is in the top 100 worst films I’ve ever bothered to watch, but this film don’t look too bad. I am led to believe (by a Youtube comment) that a lot of the movie is off the cuff verbal BANTER.

Visionary (don’t make me laugh( director Daz Aronosky has directed Natalie Portman in Black Swan, a film of paranoia, want and death…made that up. I’m bored. Fuck you standards.

Game #1: Blackburn Rovers vs Everton

2010-08-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

Hoof it! Head it! Smash it!

Blackburn and Sam Allardyce are a team of derision for most football fans due to their direct approach. On the opening day of the season Blackburn were not too quick to dispel football fans thoughts. Everton could not find a shape to counter Blackburn’s style of play; Louis Saha was isolated and had one attempt from 15 yards which he skied.

Blackburn’s main success in the game was not allowing Mario Fellani to dictate the pace of the game, constantly under pressure from N’Zonzi (who replaced an injured David Dunn in the 8th minute) and El Hadji Diouf. Only in the second half did Stephan Pienaar and Tim Cahill come out of their shell and start to remotely threaten Christopher Samba and Ryan Nelson in defence.

Phil Jones. Michael Salgado and El Hadji Diouf were certainly Blackburn’s strongest players, Jones cutting up every Everton attack, Salgado playing well placed and intelligent passes to the midfield area which started interesting attacks and Diouf creating time and space on the right flank. Jermaine Beckford’s Premier League debut was unspectacular, a miss hit over head kick in the 89 minute which went straight into the hands of Paul Robinson.

Robinson had little to do throughout the game, but made 2 key saves when he was called upon, but throughout the majority of the game he was playing panto with Blackburn fans who were shouting ‘England’s number one’, but replying that he was in fact Blackburn’s number one. Sorry James Brown.

Everton lacked attacking options and were unable to break down Blackburn, a main problem was due to the lack of overlapping wingers, Baines made no impact all the way through the game and Neville spent the majority of his side just lurking on the right wing, with little movement and delivering weak passes into the box.

Finally, the 14th minute goal by Klasnic will not be in Andy Gray’s Xmas 100 Greatest Goals alongside Teddy Sheringham’s 1992 Nottingham Forest strike against Luton Town, but it was still a sound finish. Howard made a bizarre mistake, considering he was under no immediate pressure. Klasnic’s replacement M.B. Diouf certainly looks one to watch for the league, he intimidated Distin and held the ball beautifully and should be a handful when he builds confidence to communicate with team mates.

Official Man of the Match: Mortem Gamst Pederson
Heath’s Man of the Match: Miguel Salgado

Grinderman 2

2010-08-11T14:02:00.001-07:00

The video for Grinderman's new single, Heathen Child, rates among the best. Nick Cave dressed as a Roman and God amongst other strange outfits. Just watch it for yourself.

The Absurd Rise of the Most Important Man in Football

2010-08-10T17:15:00.001-07:00

Barney Ronay’s account of the rise of the ‘most important man in football’ is interesting, entertaining and frustrating. Ronay’s book is useful as introduction to football managers such as; Herbert Chapman and Major Buckley, but it does not lay down solid foundations of the football manager.

We are told that the football manager is used as the scapegoat for the direction of the club when it is going wrong, however, this is the most in-depth comment made on power structures in the football club, despite a brief mention of the Bosman Ruling of 1995. To conclude that the football manager is the most important man in football surely his power relationship would have to be analysed – instead we are told of the old school socialist managers who based football ‘supergroups’ based on community – Busby, Stein, Paisley and nothing further is really discussed.

During the book, it is insightful, in a novelty fashion, but there are major issues in the fact that it is only English and Scottish (mainly Celtic and Aberdeen) football discussed – leaving a huge gulf of football nations left out of the argument. The largest discussion on the foreign manager is Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho, as well as a few paragraphs on the early foreign influx of managers in the English leagues.

This book is fun and enjoyable, but at times it would be interesting to see a more insightful and committed argument, as the chapter on Don Revie is the most interesting and well written piece in the book, and maybe with a little more discipline the entire book could have been lifted.

Music is a persistent problem in my life

2010-08-10T15:47:00.000-07:00

Music is a persistent problem in my life

It is always the same issue with me and music, it is not a love-hate relationship, barely no hate apart from the destruction of my ipod due to copious illegal downloads and the snapping in half of my Quadrophenia soundtrack in my mum’s car CD player.

No, the problem is that for months at a time I neglect finding new music and fail to incorporate it into my daily life. I can find two hours a day to read about football…even when I’m shitting I read about football, and not just any football, how Scotland lost the 1978 World Cup. But I cannot put aside one hour to listen to a brand new album.

An activity which would not even have to take my undivided attention, something I could do whilst I bully 10 year olds into submission on FIFA.

Instead I now have 16 albums, which I have on good grounds are interesting albums for the year of 2010 – this is all bad news for Devo who have had my undivided attention on my ipod for the past month. It is also bad news for people on public transport who will fall victim to my very loud Sony headphones.

I have not listened to anything new since Crystal Castles II and have not bought a new album since The Fall released YFOC and Madlib’s Medicine Show #4 – Jamaica (both excellent may I add).

The list of albums I have the displeasure of listening to are:

Sleigh Bells
Passion Pit
Mt. Saint Helens Vietnam Band
Django Django
Kid Congo Powers
Local Natives
Fang Island
Zola Jesus
Pocahaunted
Harlem
Exit Calm
Morning Benders
New Young Pony Club
Emancipator
Chrome Hoof

I may be falling head first into a barrel of tripe, but at least I won’t be hungry.

An Alternative View

2010-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that the Brazilian World Cup 1970 goal was in fact scored by the Paul Jewell's highly respected and emulated Wigan Athletic side. Here is the official commentary.

Pass one: Leighton Baines -> Matt Jackson
Pass two: Matt Jackson -> Graham Kavanagh
Pass three: Graham Kavanagh -> Jimmy Bullard
Pass Four: Jimmy Bullard -> Graham Kavanagh
Pass Five: Graham Kavanagh -> Ian Breckin [Captain]
Dribble Past Four Players: Ian Breckin
Pass Six: Ian Breckin -> Leighton Baines
Pass Seven: Leighton Baines -> Lee McCulloch
Pass Eight: Lee McCulloch -> Jason Roberts
Pass Nine: Jason Roberts -> Nicky Eaden
GOAL: Nicky Eaden

I hope you have all seen the truth behind all the lies that have been spread for decades. God bless your soul Nicky Eaden and good luck in the sexual arts industry Paul Jewell.

Italian Football and Politics

2010-07-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

This is an interview I have found of John Foot (author of Calcio: A History of Italian Football) talking about politics in Italian football. The interview is not heavy duty, but a further read into his book would be interesting. The questions are in inverted comma's as my Blogger account still thinks it is too cosmopolitan to be constrained by Bold and Italic lettering. The article is a little old (Juventus regarded as a major force)

'Italy emerged as a footballing power in the 1930s. How important was football to Benito Mussolini’s fascist regime? Was it associated with opposition to fascism?'

Football was very important for fascism. Mussolini helped make the sport into a mass pastime, organised rallies around games and added fascist symbols. This was particularly true with the World Cups of 1934 and 1938 and the Olympic tournament in Berlin in 1936, all of which Italy won. Radio was the main means by which people followed the game and the commentaries were extremely nationalistic, as were the reports in the press. The Battle of Highbury match with England in 1934 was presented as a kind of war, and defeat was turned into victory. The 1938 World Cup in France saw anti-fascist protests at Italian games.

However, football also presented fascism with problems. Localism contrasted with fascism’s nationalist ideology—being a fan of a club side was at odds with the whole idea of fascism. Football itself was in some ways anti-fascist in a weak sense, perhaps. Many footballers were fascists, but others became part of the resistance. The big teams in the 1930s were associated in some ways with the regime. Juventus, which won five titles in a row, were the car company Fiat’s team, and Bologna had a strong link to the fascist leadership in that town.

'Many fans believe Juventus and the Milan clubs exercise too much control over football. How true is that?'

Big business and football have always been closely linked in Italy—Pirelli, and then businessman and prime minister Silvio Berlusconi with AC Milan, Fiat with Juventus, oil interests with Inter. These three teams have carved up tournaments among themselves since the 1950s. Money talks in football and there is a lot of circumstantial evidence of what is known as the “psychological conditioning” of referees—in particular by Juventus. The relationship between Italians and referees mirrors that between Italians and the state—a relationship built on suspicion, hatred and mistrust.

Today, with the vast sums spent on TV coverage, the big clubs have an even greater control over the game. Nobody else can really win. This dominance has only ever been challenged on a few occasions—by Bologna in the 1920s and 1930s, Torino in the 1940s and the Rome clubs in the 1990s.

'In Britain it is rare for football fans to get involved in politics. But in Italy football fans have joined demonstrations. There’s been the emergence of Livorno as a left wing club. How serious is politics among the supporters?'

Politics is very serious, and it touches all parts of life. However, most of the hardcore fans are now on the right or the extreme right of the political spectrum. Extremist groups like Forza Nuova have found fertile recruiting grounds among the fanatical Ultra fans. This has led to a lot of racism and open fascism at football grounds, with anti-Semitic banners, insults directed at black players and swastikas.

Some of the left wing strongholds, such as Torino and Roma, have been taken over by the right in recent years. Little has been done about the racism. On the left, Livorno are interesting, although their Stalinism is quite hard to take and they are often simply provocative. Venice fans also led an anti-racist campaign and put up anti-war banners. The link between politics and sport in Italy has always been very strong.

'How does the economy of football work?'

In recent years the finances of football have been a grotesque parody of the Italian financial system. Clubs have gone bankrupt and been “saved” by financial accounting. New laws have been passed to allow clubs to survive despite falsifying their accounts. Scandals in football mirror those in Italian society, with corruption rife.

People are extraordinarily interested in the game, and in some ways it has replaced politics and religious belief as the main thing in people’s lives. The media deals in football almost continuously. Violence, fraud, scandal and intrigue were endemic. The system had collapsed, yet the show went on. Teams continued to play on despite bankruptcy, doping, arrests, investigations. All this was surreal and disturbing, but perhaps not all that surprising. After all, the president of the Football Federation was also a key figure in the running of AC Milan, whose president is the prime minister of Italy.

In a country where rules and laws are not only broken with impunity, but where those who do so are rewarded for their pains, it is unlikely that the most popular and the most wealthy sport would be a “happy island” of legality, peace and tranquillity.

Sometimes, during the work on this book, I felt like Malcolm McDowell in The Clockwork Orange. I was forced to watch things which have made me sick. I did not think it would be possible but, by the end, I had almost fallen out of love with football.

When footballers do not stick to the (half a) day job!

2010-07-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

Since the dawn of football the footballer has seen other ways to entertain himself or earn a few extra bob. In far gone times being a professional footballer was second to your full-time job, unthinkable in the modern multi-billion pound game.

However, instead of working class men holding working class jobs the recent footballer has seen himself as the crooner, the rapper or the choir member, all football fans need now is to witness Phil Neville record his favourite christmas carols through the medium of beat-bopping.

Here are a few of the worst...and John Barnes.

Nottingham Forest, before winning their first Premier League title under Brian Clough and Peter Taylor released this magical version of 'The Whole World' also laid down by Aretha Franklin and Glitterman Beeton. Robbie Williams probably wishes he had heard this before taking a ribbing from O'Neill at World Cup 1998.

Kevin Keegan - Newcastle, Liverpool and err Hamburg legend, making a fair crack at a pop career. Housewifes across Britain and Europe had wet knickers when this Eurovision imposter of a song was released. Also, for added Keegan search 'Green Cross Road' and watch some beautiful acting on par with Jimmy Bullard.

Now for Mr Personality, not exactly making a living but taking a nice appearance fee - Arshavin singing woefully on Russian television.

Arshavin's terrible singing and performance can only be beaten by one money grabbing slime, El Tel. Singing on the Russell Hartey show, to the amusement of his players. Definitly messing with dynamite.

And finally, no words needed apart from 'HEY TOON, IT'S GAZZA...I GOT CHICKEN AND FISHING ROD'.

Breaking 80

2010-07-18T02:37:00.000-07:00

Friday 16th July 2010 – The afternoon Heath Linn, 19 years old, shot a round of golf and broke eighty, a feat he had never achieved. In the grand schemes of humanity not an important event, but in the life of Heath Linn it marked a watershed moment – Heath Linn had become a golfing man.

A man who can independently, without cheating, score well, beat his opponents. Heath Linn has done this without playing golf regularly since being 17 years old. Heath Linn has unlocked potential. Heath Linn can score 77 and then go to the clubhouse and take the money of old people. Suck my dick, golf.

Golf is dead. Long live Heath.

Provided You Don't Kiss Me

2010-07-10T05:02:00.000-07:00

Duncan Hamilton’s award winning account of Brian Clough, Peter Taylor, Nottingham Forest and himself is a blunt and honest account of a turbulent 15 years. However, due to the motives of Hamilton’s actions, ‘getting a line’ for tomorrows article, it almost seems as if he is a puppeteer manufacturing a novel.

Reading Hamilton’s account seemed familiar to watching Sergio Leone’s Dollars Trilogy…hear me out:

Peter Taylor, the steely eyed tight lipped Lee Van Cleef; Brian Clough, the younger better looking quicker on the trigger Man With No Name (Eastwood), Duncan Hamilton himself directing as if he was Sergio Leone and the corridors and field of City Ground the vast desert landscape of Leone’s movies.

Barney Ronay, in his excellent book: The Absurd Ascent of the Most Important Man in Football, makes a valid point that Hamilton falls infatuated with Clough’s persona, and throughout the books this gives an imbalanced account of Clough and Taylor’s tenure. Hamilton makes up for this with a blunt view of Clough and Nottingham Forests downfall – the fall into heavy drinking, Clough and Taylor feeling their judgement is shot – an enlightening tale of Clough selling and then not having the judgement to replace Teddy Sheringham in his final season, and Clough’s distaste for the FA. The most interesting in the book is the point at mentioned earlier, with the fall-out between Taylor and Clough.

Intelligent, easy and enjoyable to read, showing much more than just the image of Clough upheld in society, showing a kind and caring man, but also a Machiavellian character in the vein of a Shakespearean protagonist. The more subtle and equally interesting side to the story are the tales of journalism and what a journalist must do to find a story.

Q&A With Raoul Moat

2010-07-10T03:57:00.000-07:00

Raoul Moat is in his late thirties and is on his way to heaven, he is regarded as the first person to actively go to war with the Metropolitan Police, who sound very camp, but in reality have the power to kill and attack people without being held to account. God is preparing to give away his favourite seat, because Moat would not expect anything less.

When were you happiest?
On the riverbank in Rothbury

What is your greatest fear?
Cucumbers

What is your earliest memory?
I just remember black out, then waking up in the woods and then being text the news I'd killed my ex-girlfriend and shot two others - one a fucking pig!

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Harry Roberts...he is our friend, he kills coppers.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
shagging about

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
I've not got a quick trigger finger like 'Dirty' Harry Callaghan. The only cool Peeler

What was your most embarrassing moment?
Not exactly mine, but there is egg on the face of the North Cumbria police department.

Aside from a property, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
Membership to Blokes Liberation Front

What is your most treasured possession?
Double barreled shotgun...lol

Where would you like to live?
Strangeways prison

If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
Raoul Moat - myself

What would your super power be?
invisibility

What makes you unhappy?
10 Police snipers cornering me between a lake and a tennis court, it sucks.

What is your most unappealing habit?
stealing cucumbers from local farms...I ain't a faggot!!!

What is your favourite book?
Free Radical - Vince Cable

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
Stone Cold Steve Austin WWF World Heavyweight Champion

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Shooting coppers

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
Gazza - I should have been there more for you pal!

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
RAOUL MOAT

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
'It wasn't me...it was the voice in my head.'

What has been your biggest disappointment?
MI5 denial of my service in the Falkland Wars.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
Being released from prison.

When did you last cry?
In Kenya doing work for Christian Aid.

How often do you have sex?
I caught a goat the other day...must I go into detail.

What is the closest you've come to death?
LOL

Tell us a secret.
I'm a one man army, guns don't harm me.

New Films

2010-03-26T05:01:00.000-07:00

Double Take, a movie about a Alfred Hitchcock double who arrives on the set of Birds, and how the two plan to depose of one another. I have never watched a Hitchcock movie, mainly due to the lack of them on FilmFour and their heavy price tag on Amazon.

Released: 2nd April

Sons of Cuba - a documentary about young children who are training for 3 months away from their families for boxing championship whilst the Fidel Castro is on his arse. The trailer is a little long and not well put together, but I hope this doesn't reflect upon the film itself.

Released: 9th April

The Ghost Writer, a political thriller starring Bond, James Bond...sorry, Pierce Brosnam. Adapted from the novel of the same title authored by Harris, and containing very little amount of 13 year olds, POLANSKI! Also listen to McGregor's strange pea souper London accent. LOL!

Released: 16th April

Celtic Glasgow FC

2010-03-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

The dismissal of Tony Mowbray has been predictable even before Irish prodical son Robbie Keane arrived at Celtic Park. However, the dismissal of football managing supremo Heath Linn (under the disguise of a 31 year old Brian Clough) is something which could never happen.

Mainly due to the bollocks he displays during press conferences and attracting world class players, such as, Sylvinho, Christian Vieri, Julio Cruz, Marco Materazzi and Paolo Di Canio...world class players 10 years ago, and in Di Canio's case not world class, maybe the same for Materazzi when he was applying his trade at a relegation threatened Everton.

Nevertheless, with Clough's trusty assistant manager, Neil Lennon, he has been able to conquer the SPL, winning the title by 28 points, and this season applying pressure on early leaders Rangers. Clough's tactic of buying whoever interests Ramgers is destructive but it stops the orange cunts of buying anyone - particularly Jack Rodwell - the Brazilian/English superhero!

Mowbray is dead. Long live Clough.

John Goodman

2010-03-19T15:08:00.000-07:00

Robert De Niro and Ricky Gervais you can understand and somehow sympathise why they do this shit. But, when John Goodman says "I love triangles" there is something creepy, like Madman Munt. Check it out, ginger.

Blood Red Shoes

2010-02-27T17:58:00.000-08:00

Blood Red Shoes second album is released on Monday, and I will be going down to Picadilly Records during my three hour break and buying my copy. Will you? I do not often buy CDs, usually using Spotify, but I am now trying to change my evil anti-consumerist (I'm making a political stance out of being a cheap skate) ways and buy more records.

Here is a taste of the album, Light it up, I think it sounds pretty awesome.

Plus I once shook her hand and Simon Stowe didn't so I win.

Have you seen my monkey and twenty bob?

2010-02-26T09:30:00.000-08:00

Greeting Travellers,

Today I have been trawling the internet, well, I mean Youtube and I have found some right classics. For starters you cahave a dose of what looks like wrestling in the 1970's. But in fact it is just a milkman and a tree surgeon who have been cheating on their wives with the others wife.

How about that then?

Next is an interview in which the over-rated and fucking irritating John Motson is ridiculed by ole' big head. Cloughie's argument is even more true nowadays with the fucking stupid two Alan's chat shit for twenty minutes of every episode, using big words like 'diaboloical', 'outrageous decision' and a wide range of others.

To finish off this flurry of videos I will show you how disconnected from the real world footballers are and can't have a bit of fun with my brother from Cameroon.

Big shout out to David Seaman, the new face of the Statue of Liberty is a Prositute.

Jimmy Horrock's Biopic

2010-01-31T06:17:00.000-08:00

Tony, a new movie awaiting release, follows the story of Tony, a psychopath Jimmy Horrocks type. Killing people just to have someone to cook tea with – we all ate eating alone. Basically masturbation for people who think action films make dangerous people, well they did make Michael Mann and Arnie. Gerard Johnson’s debut feature. Check out the trailer, I’ve not looked forward to a film this much after seeing a trailer since Mesrine: Killer Instinct, and we all know how that panned out.

Release Date: TBC

All the Ladies in the Club Pinch Yr Muff

2010-01-23T17:04:00.000-08:00

Today I have been writing a mundane essay, basically a summarisation of the problems of historical socialist regimes and the steps they could have taken to prevent the failure to implement the marxist ideal. Anyway, whilst writing dull and vague words on Microsoft Word 2003 I decided to find new music as I found myself floating back to listening to musical artists, such as; Radiohead and Ida Maria. Thus, in my search I found this record label (http://www.worldaroundrecords.com/) and they allow you to listen to their artists for free...anyway, here is my favourite artist that I have found, Humpasaur Jones, and their album 'Keep it Moist' and here is a beautiful description of what they do...

'The concept was simple: have as much fun making an album as humanly possible. The result: feverish, funky and fast-paced sex rap from Thirtyseven and a ton of producers: DJ Squid, Prophis, Dr. Quandary, Face One and of course, DJ Multiple Sex Partners. This is the sleeper gem that turned a stoner joke into a career path...get familiar with Humpasaur Jones.'

THE OFFICIAL THEMES OF PROVISIONAL BLOKES SOCIETY - B.U.N.D

I'm Getting The Feeling That Armour Plated Robot Does Not Like Me

2010-01-23T09:11:00.000-08:00

Greetings Travellers, I'm Heath Linn.

So far this January I have read more books than I have read in all of 2009 - so far I have completed the following: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Hell's Angels, The Rum Diary, The Revolution Betrayed and For Socialism. Leon Trotsky's book was much more assessable than I believed it would be, really well written, although, at times he either has very deaf sense of humour or he is praising the work of Stalin.

In sad news, which shows that I am not the footballing superhuman I thought I was, but instead my friends are just shit. Oliver Street, amateur defeated me three times in a row on Pro Evolution Soccer 2009, I had not played the game for a couple of months, but neither had he, and I believe the only way to exorcise my shame is by sharing it with the world.

Recently I lost my debit card - a real drunken ball ache. I've drank too much, but done well in not going out on full blown nights out, but just instead pub crawls during the afternoon and then Font till closing time. Met a guy who said (bullshitted) that he was tazered eight times by the police whilst he had 16 bra's wrapped around his head, and then had sex with three different girls in one night. Truly a bigger bullshitter than that guy at Offset '09 who believed he could turn a dyke straight whilst watching Lion King.

I hope to go Offset 2010 again this year, especially with the little work I have to do. Anyway, off I go to watch a couple of episodes of Mighty Boosh whilst having tea and then back to my essay on Socialism - very boring, and I have 2000 words to do in eight days, but I still believe it will go straight down to the wire.

2009 - Fuck Off

2009-12-31T07:36:00.000-08:00

I think it would be fair to say that more than anything I have put more effort into films than anything else in my life, in a year when I proved the critics wrong and excelled in A-Levels, but yet again, they are getting easier! So here it is, my favourite releases of 2009:

A Serious Man, The White Ribbon, Inglourious Basterds, Broken Embraces, Looking for Eric, Kisses, Che, Milk, Il Divo, Lakeview Terrace, Le Donk and Scor-Zay-Zee, Tony Manero, Cherry Blossom, Gigantic and The Informant!

Sadly I also missed a handful of movies that I would have liked to catch, such as; Up!, Thirst, Katalin Varga and The Invention of Lying. Although, I must say, that at the time none of these films looked particularly attractive, or the cinema was too far away, or more than likely I was too busy making the transformation into an apple to go and watch them. Sadly, I watched a couple of stinkers as well, none more than Mesrine: Killer Instinct, which was truly style over substance, with murder after murder which became tiresome after 5 minutes.

However, something I have not been too bothered about is new music, nothing this year has really truly excited me, apart from The Flaming Lips new album (embryonic) and maybe the Major Lazer album in September, but that quickly tired on me, and now I think it is just average. Instead of ranting about the poor output of music in 2009 compared to 2008, instead I will show you the bands I listened to the most over the past 12 months!!!

Cat Power, Scout Niblett, Jonathan Richman, FOTL, mclusky, Pixies, Flaming Lips, Public Enemy, Gang of Four, Vivian Girls, Beastie Boys, Quasimoto, The Fall, MF DOOM, Nick Cave…., My Bloody Valentine, Madvillain, Sonic Youth, Devo, Ponytail, DANGERDOOM and Clinic

I must say that despite not being excited by much new music I did enjoy watching a lot of the oldies rocking it at Primavera 2009, Neil Young, Sonic Youth, MBV, Jesus Lizard and Yo La Tengo. But, my biggest music change this year has been a sudden upsurge in interest of decent hip-hop, thanks mainly to my new flatmate, Oliver, who virtually BULLIED me into listening to more than just Public Enemy, NWA and Wu Tang Clan,

Primavera isn’t quite up there as time of my life due to the amount of stress organising and then reorganising took, but some key events of the year are probably me not talking to anyone apart from Mark Critchley, Marcus Barnett, Sam Nicholas and Joe Smith on a regular basis for nine months, being thrown out of home for one night before going home for tea – heartbreak, spending the entire year without fancying anyone – winrar, spending the majority of the year without phone credit and the little time I had with loud headphones for my ipod.

Embarrassingly this year I only completed three or four books, Chris Harman, Fantastic Mr. Fox (69 pages!!), Roy Keane autobiography and Chopper. For the past six months I have read 180 pages of Yiddish Policemen’s Union, and 140 of them have been read in the past two weeks. So, this year I am aiming to read much more, something I can do once my exams have finished and I have six months until my next term, and have a long list of fiction that I am interested in reading, as I am now totally turned off reading about politics considering I have to do it nearly every single fucking night, especially all the liberal bollocks.

So that is one new years aim, the other is to play more video games and become more cultured about it, instead of just seeing it as beating the shit out of virtual monster on FIFA or PES. This upturn in interest of video games is because I recently played Left 4 Dead 2 and it was the first time I have been genuinely scared by a video game, as hordes of infected human beings attempt to eat me alive. I also aim to guide Celtic FC to a Champions League final in the next five seasons and win, something I believe I will have difficulty doing due to the scope of players available to me, but a challenge nonetheless. Lose all inhibitions and don’t grow my hair long ever again. Also cut down on the amount of carbohydrates I eat.

Inabit

Sabata Review

2009-12-22T14:38:00.000-08:00

Sabata, a 1969 Spaghetti Western movie starring the one and only Lee Van Cleef, although if you listen to that pesky trouble maker Steve Barnett you may be able find a look-a-like trailing around Flower Shows.

Sabata is almost super-human, unkillable, unstoppable, making for a great villain, although he isn’t! Despite his questionable morals he is still sticking it to the man, taking down anybody who gets in the way of his life, including priests, gambling degenerates and rich land barons. Sabata foils the plot of the higher coats of town in which they attempted to steal $100,000 from the bank to buy land and then sell to the rail companies. Instead Sabata kills those who stole the money, returned it and then blackmailed the high coats. However, they would rather do anything than give this wild card £60,000, so here comes the wrath of some of the deadliest mercenaries the Wild West has to offer…and a priest. None of these are good enough, leading to an almighty shoot out at the end, which makes Scarface look like a couple of children running around a play ground with sticks for guns.

The cinematography is beautiful, but not in the league of Leone’s trilogy, but very little is, however there are plenty of beautiful shots and the surroundings are believable – with all of the shooting taking place in Italy and Spain on set. The pace of the movie is quick and does not slack off at any moment in the film, and this does not hinder the film, but improves. The ending had me in a state of ‘I don’t know’ and left me upset, but then I was happy again when everybody got their just deserves and my previous thoughts were dismissed as nonsense and reactionary as Sabata is unstoppable.

One of the most enjoyable movies I have seen in a long time and I think it enters my top 30 favourite film, and this isn’t even one of the highest held Spaghetti Westerns.

Nicolas Cage is Calling

2009-12-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

Werner Herzog's new film, staring NICOLAS CAGE. I can't do anything better than that first sentence, so just watch.

Martin in Wonderland

2009-12-17T05:36:00.000-08:00

Scorsese still has the taste of young cock, after the dumping of lover-boy Bobby D and seducing toy-boy Leonardo Di Caprio, who by the looks of things at the beginning of the trailer thought he was filming Titanic 2: The Rise of Southampton.

Shutter Island is the new movie of Martin Scorsese, and looks a move away from his traditional movies of gangsters, marginalisation, alienation and the entertainment industry. However, from the trailer the film looks exciting and tense, and stars a bad ass mother fucking Ben kingsley – well not bad ass, but as bad ass as you can get when you are an upper class toff who pretends to be Ghandi and Don Logan

Released: 19/02/2010

Secondly, Tim Burton's outing of Alice in Wonderland, in which he surprisingly uses Johnny Depp and his wife. The film looks pretty good, but I wouldn't pay to go and watch it. Shamo!

Released: March 2010

Communicate - Com-ma-Com-ma-unicate

2009-12-07T04:06:00.000-08:00

Heath Linn is a 18 year old student from Chorley, but currently resides in Manchester. He is so self-absorbed he believed he had the sovereign right to complete a quiz meant for celebrities on www.Guardian.co.uk, however Heath Linn's effort is not as self-absorbing as Dr. Dre - Wigga.

When were you happiest?
Wigan Athletic's 2002/2003 season when we won the league and had the dream team including Jimmy Bullard, Jason Roberts, Nathan Ellington, Leighton Baines, John Filan, Jason De Vos, Ian Brekin, Nicky Edan, Gary Teale, Alan Mahon, Lee McCulloch - we were dangerous.

What is your greatest fear?
Not going out on my own terms

What is your earliest memory?
Playing on the best green bike at Nursery everyday, selfish boy.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Roy Keane - says what he thinks, and is always right.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Sometimes I think if I had the motivation to be a little better I'd be the greatest human being and the one all people would ADMIRE.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Arrogance

What was your most embarrassing moment?
Going to control the football in the 10th second of the game and it going under my foot and into the net...

What is your most treasured possession?
Ben Hogan Colorado 60 degree lob wedge - the tool I am most useful with.

What makes you unhappy?
People making wrong decisions when I've told them the best solution.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
Larry David or John Goodman

What has been your biggest disappointment?
Not being ruthless.

What is your favourite word?
Cunt

What is the worst thing anyone's ever said to you?
"Con Air is a great film!"

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Watching movies or (decent) tv programmes all day.

What do you owe your parents?
£20

Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
Larry David, Roy Keane, Brian Clough, Flavour Flav, John Goodman, Evil Kneivel, Mark Crithcley, Marcus Barnett, Joe Smith, John Foley and Ryan McGeown

What is the worst job you have ever done?
KFC

If you could go back in time, where would you go?
Go and watch 1970 and 80's football to witness Clough, and 1916-22 Russia to witness what a revolutionary atmosphere is like.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Breaking a girl's ankle whilst playing football and the amount of unaccountable bullshit I spurt everyday.

What keeps you awake at night?
The Simpsons or essays.

What song would you like played at your funeral?
When the Music Stops - Roger Daltrey OR Oh Shit - The Pharacyde

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Cider + Hip-Hop + Friends + Nightclub = Happier Heath

Tell us a joke.
Me: Do you like fish sticks
Kanye West: Yah
Me: What are you, a gay fish?

Tell us a secret.
No.

Short Films

2009-12-04T09:13:00.001-08:00

Today I have been scanning Youtube for short films and here are a few of my favourites. The rights to this short film have been bought by Sam Raimi (SPIDERMAN) for $1 million, not bad for something that was made in the hundreds!

This next amination is Marvin and Sam, which I found amusing.

Commentary Says Everything

2009-12-04T08:59:00.000-08:00

Why?

2009-12-04T08:41:00.000-08:00

A selection of Manchester United players, present and former, playing board games, I do not understand why though.

First, Carlos 'is that money I smell' Tevez and Anderson.

Ryan Giggs vs Owen Hargreaves

FOOTBALLERS DESERVE THEIR MASSIVE PAY CHECK M8!!

Brian Clough

2009-11-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

The greatest man football has ever seen talks about politics, and you also see a very bad speech by Michael Foot!!

I know very little about Don Revie but from this video I do not really like him.

As Alan Partridge once said: "I won't let him do that, he'd batter you"

"

Maybe a low in the man's life.

Youtube Clips

2009-11-20T07:28:00.000-08:00

This is a little like Sports Round, formerly presented by F1 Supremo Jake Humphreys, but better.

Firstly, seeing as it is Manchester City vs. Liverpool this weekend here is a clip of Manchester City trouncing Liverpool 3-1 in the 1977-78 season (Dalglish's finishing is woeful).

All I have to say for this video is "What do you want four fucking cars for?" Golden.

Graveson, the machine, tries to twat cry baby

Roy Keane on THE Ireland Game

2009-11-20T06:56:00.001-08:00

Roy Keane issued a furious response to Ireland's campaign for a replay of their World Cup qualifier play-off second leg against France, saying "what goes around comes around" for the Football Association of Ireland.

The Ipswich Town manager's relationship with the FAI broke down following his walk-out from the Republic of Ireland training camp prior to the 2002 World Cup. And he dismissed their calls for "the honesty and integrity" of the sport to be protected in the wake of Thierry Henry's handball which led to France's winner in Paris on Wednesday night.

The former Ireland midfielder was in a characteristically fierce mood as he launched a withering attack on Irish football's governing body: "They can complain all they want but France are going to the World Cup – get over it," he said.

"France were there for the taking and Ireland didn't do it. Same old story. I think the supporters deserve better, the manager [Giovanni Trapattoni] deserves better and probably most of the players deserve better, but I'm not sure the FAI deserve better. What goes around comes around.

"People seem to forget what was going on in that World Cup, and that man [FAI chief executive John Delaney] is on about honesty. I was one of the players and he didn't have the courtesy to ring me. I'd been involved with Ireland since I was 15 years of age and that man didn't have the decency to make a phone call. He could have phoned me, of course he could have."

Keane pointed out that controversial decisions also went Ireland's way in the qualifying campaign, not least a harsh penalty award against Georgia which helped them claim a 2-1 qualifying win in February. "Ireland had their chances in the two games [against France], and they never took them," he said. "But it's the usual FAI reaction - 'We've been robbed, the honesty of the game.' There was one match against Georgia where Ireland got a penalty and it was one of the worst decisions I've ever seen which changed the whole course of the game. I don't remember the FAI after the game saying we should give them a replay."

Talking about France's winner, Keane laid the blame on Ireland's defence rather than Henry, who handled the ball before crossing for William Gallas to head in. "I'd focus on why they didn't clear it," he said. "I'd be more annoyed with my defenders and my goalkeeper than Thierry Henry. How can you let the ball bounce in your six-yard box? How can you let Thierry Henry get goal-side of you? If the ball goes into the six-yard box, where the hell is my goalkeeper?".

Powers

2009-11-20T06:49:00.000-08:00

Some random guy called Powers strolls onto the pitch during a Champions League game and poses for the pre-match team photo. Here is the link to the video:

http://manuxtreme.fliggo.com/video/8WsCUtmH

Bringing fun into suicide

2009-11-19T09:16:00.000-08:00

2009-11-15T17:30:00.000-08:00

Christmas has arrived, and you can tell due to the small number of Christmas adverts sneaking onto TV already, soon the small number of adverts will turn into masses. You will not be able to move without getting slapped in the face by Jamie Oliver and then told to get to Sainsbury’s and buy your turkey! The voice of Ruby will grate on you for two months as she demands we go and buy an auto-biography of a comedian/footballer/TV personality/cook, any other time of the year no one would even dare buy any of these, unless they’re really interested, but soon, senial grandma’s and parents will be going “Heath likes football, let’s buy him Alan Ball’s biography”, not remembering I don’t care about a little man who through sheer luck won the world cup, but this doesn’t care, because I like football.
None of the adverts are more insulting than Morrisons! Richard Hammond, a man who can stand in front of a camera and read a autocue, but then gets his massive breakthrough because he cannot drive, tells me that I HAVE to go and buy mince pies. Why is he doing the advert? What social strata does he attract? The middle class dad’s with terrible haircuts and shit jackets, but last time I looked the majority of people who pack into ASDA are families or women, so why is he pushing a trolley through the North or South poll? Everyone knows it never snows at Christmas.
The worst tragedy is that when you say you hate the adverts you are “Scrooge” No, I do not like a television screen trying to convince me to pass the little money I have on shit gifts for people I probably don’t like, but sadly share a bloodline with.
Abandon Christmas adverts and just play the Elvis supergroup advert

or, the Peter Kay adverts for John Smith (here's one)

Quick Buck

2009-11-14T06:41:00.000-08:00

Here is a video of Ricky Hatton on WWE Monday Night Live Raw, facing Chavo, the brother or cousin of Eddie, I can't really remember.

2:52 seconds is one of the greatest moments of wrestling I have ever seen!

Kick Ass (the movie, I'm not telling you to go out there and be violent)

2009-11-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

A Superhero film due out sometime next year, I wouldn't post this usually, but it has my all time hero Nicolas Cage in it, so I thought why the fuck not. Here is the trailer, doesn't look mind blowing and it doesn't look shit, so I'm not going watching it.

The White Ribbon - 4/5

2009-11-13T13:25:00.000-08:00

My review would be crap because it would take me about four hours to find all the names of the German actors, plus I have a very boring essay to write. But I will say that all the kids in the movie were awesome casting, especially Rudi (the doctor’s son) and the youngest son of the community priest, especially the injured bird scene.

So here you go:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2009/nov/12/the-white-ribbon-review

Sold Out!

2009-11-12T16:32:00.000-08:00

After not being interested in watching music live since Offset in September today I have been reignited due to a love of the new Flaming Lips album, Embryonic, and also seeing the announcement that Pixies will be playing Primavera Festival in May 2010. However, in the traditional Heath Linn sense every gig I want to go to now has already sold out, and by every gig I mean two gigs, Major Lazer w/ Toddla T & Boy 8-Bit and The Flaming Lips, two gigs where the tickets had been on sale since the Summer Holidays. This is a familiar theme in my history of purchasing gig tickets, and none more painful than Jonathan Richman just a month ago.

There has only been one occasion when I have gone out there and been proactive in not wasting time and buying the ticket straight away – Nick Cave, and that was full of boring old farts who were trying to find their gothic roots from 25 years ago.

Anyway, if I have money left over tomorrow after my fortnightly shop I may go to the academy and try to buy a tout ticket for The Flaming Lips, as has Q magazine says, you have to watch them live before you die, and I plan on dying in the future.

Does Democracy simply mean 'rule by the people'?

2009-11-12T13:05:00.000-08:00

Yes.

Fearless Vampire Killers Review and New Trailer

2009-11-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

Watching Roman Polanski’s 1967 vampire horror movie, Fearless Vampire Killers, thirty two years after its production I am given the feeling that the movie is a kitsch comedy of traditional investigative vampire movies. Definitely one of the best vampire movies I have seen, considering just the other day I sadly saw the homo-erotic Vampire movie horror starring Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. Plus, if anyone says Lt. Aldo Raines is Pitt’s worse performance they have to watch that plane wreckage of racism.

Fearless Vampire Killers follows Professor Abronsius (Jack MacGowran) and his introvert apprentice Alfred (Roman Polanski) as they arrive in central Europe after a search across the rest of Europe for a mysterious murderer. Professor Abronsius findings have found him being outcast by the academic vanguard, and old, tired and on many occasions suffering from the cold weather they have hit. Alfred soon finds a love interest – the daughter of the in-law, played by his future wife, Sharon Tate.

After attacks on the landlord and his daughter, the inquisitive pairing go off on an amusing search towards the Counts castle. Drama and hilarity ensues as Polanski, and moreover Jack MacGowran give hilarious and strong performances, Sharon Tate also puts in a sombre and expressionless display as well. The searches of the castle in the daylight causes a lot of drama and funny situations – the Professor becoming stuck in the window of the Counts chamber, Alfred being chased around the castle by the Counts homosexual son, dancing in a hall of vampires in hope to save the landlords daughter and the ultimate ending.

Whilst Polanski’s character is a tranquil state of mind, believing he has saved the one woman he loves from certain death it appears they’re too late and instead the one thing they had been hoping to quell and stop, they actually help on its journey to world domination and destruction, just as the Count had hoped.

For some bizzare reason the Studios hasn't enabled embedding for the trailer for the soon to be released in Britain movie The Limits of Control, which impressively has Bill Murray in a role of authority. So, here is the link, because that's the best I can do, sorry. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7LsEJcxJs8

Also, a little belated, but here is the trailer for The White Ribbon, a tail of a small town, also known to be a allogory for Fascism - today I watched my second Haneke movie - The Time of the Wolf - and really enjoyed it, so I am definitely off to watch The White Ribbon when it's released (13th November).

Film Library

2009-11-04T17:03:00.000-08:00

Today I saw my first proper film library, if you don't count the video rental giant Global Video. I was sat around the halls kitchen with the man-dem and then Eva and Oliver came back with DVDs from the library - which were free! So, like a proper film nerd I ran into my repugnent room and pulled on a pair of split Levis jeans (I'm just trying to illustrate my poverty) and my woman's coat and walked at pace to the library.

When arriving I just saw stacks and stacks of films about the Royal coronation and historical footage of the Vietnam war, World War I&II, Kennedy Assasination and all the other important historical events. I thought 'is this it?', but then Hammond jr. strolled in and started jamming on his guitar.

That last bit is a lie, of course, but I wondered around browsing at all the old cassettes and DVDs of classics like Casablanca, Last Tango in Paris, King Lear (joke), Wizard of Oz etc. and then finally found the foreign cinema section and I could have had a wank right there and then. Shelves filled up with Herzog, Fritz, Fassbender, Bergman, Godard, Kurosawa, Chan-Wook, Melville, Loach, Leigh, Haneke, Hitchcock and...Robocop (Don't know why that was there)

Sadly, I was only allowed to take three DVDs at a time so this has acted as an influence to buy a new PC for my room so I can watch these endless DVDs and do work of course. Oh, I took out Time of the Wolf by Haneke, Naked by Mike Leigh and L'armee Des Ombres by Melville. I am really looking forward to filling my head with cinema history...and Robocop.

Beauty Sleep

2009-11-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

Recently, the past two weeks or so, I have been shit scared of going to sleep in the dark. I look around my room and my eyes & brain are not working with one another. For example, last night there were two shadows, but to me I became scared and thought Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin, two men responsible for millions of deaths. But this is not all that happens, I’ve also started to see people when I close my eyes – people will be dancing, staring over the top of me, cackling and other frightening imagery; one example being all the girls in my flat stood over the top of me brandishing kitchen knives – to which I leapt out of bed.

I would now like to tell you about the most surreal and weird dream I’ve had in the past six months. It goes like this:

A man, whose mind is mine, but the body is not, plays for Everton football team and we’re playing against what seems to be a bunch of Sunday league footballers and we’re playing in a cemetery. However, whilst I am playing up front, Yakubu is not, he is not happy about this.

Firstly the former Portsmouth star sabotages my shorts – giving me a pair that are way too big for me and keep falling down and I wasn’t able to replace the shorts till the second half, by which time it was too late. Due to the shorts I was able to score as every time an opportunity arose my shorts would start to fall down!

So, we reach half-time and Yakubu gives me a packet of Skips (unaware to me the Skips are laced with Valium), as, according to Yakubu, we’re all out of fruit, due to this I was slow and lethargic for the rest of the dream. After this, on the way to the dressing room, Yakubu gave me the wrong directions to the changing rooms and I ended up in some sort of warehouse or slaughterhouse. This meant I missed the managers half time talk and the beginning of the second half.

However, that doesn’t matter by the end of the dream as I was met by an unpleasant crowd of Yakubu’s busies and Yakubu himself. Yakubu brandished a mini-chainsaw and started to attack me with it, getting a few hits, but with relatively no pain on my character (So I thought) and then I kept catching the chainsaw, but after a while of this my hand were cut off. For some reason I was now next to a mountain edge and was totally battered, with cuts, bruises and missing limbs all over my body.

In the end, I crawled over the edge of the mountain and jumped up in a cold sweat as I was falling. Paranoia man in cheap shit room.

I'm so rope they call me David Carradine

2009-10-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

Why is Tarantino making Kill Bill 3?

The Franchise does not need to be extended. People, broadly speaking, lost interest after they had to watch My Super Ex-Girlfriend moaning for two hours and only killing two people, with very little suspense inbetween.

How many more Bills are there to kill? Bill Gates is murdered because in the past he patented something that belonged to The Bride? Bill Hicks is brought back from the dead and then killed again for an unsavoury joke? Bill Shakespeare has all his books (in the world) burnt on a massive bonfire of cut off ears because he killed off the young bride, Juliet?

Bill is dead. Carradine is dead.

Tarantino claims that he expects a 2011 release, however he has yet to write a script and we're nearing the end of 2009, he has a few ideas in his head. I don't think it's a coincidence either that the Weinstein's most profitable franchise is having another installment whilst they're on the verge of bankruptcy after bad business moves.

Why does Tarantino feel the urge to continue the Bride character? He let her wed, have a near death experience - umpteen times, made her worm food, reap her revenge and then run away with her daughter. So you'd think Tarantino would just leave her to enjoy the rest of her life, but instead he has to her more servings of revenge - a 6yr old girl who wants to avenge her mothers death, and will more than likely be 14yrs old at the time of the film release.

The film doesn't need to be made.

Instead Tarantino should try something new or return to crime thrillers. Since Kill Bill he has made a Grindhouse movie and WWII revenge story, which were both totally different and good films. Why not keep dipping his toes in different genres, people expect Tarantino to be eccentric, not reproducing the same problem three times. A Tarantino crime movie would cement that he is still a serious director among people and not a man losing his mind. People kind of expect Tarantino to make a Spaghetti Western movie, he can cast Lee Van Cleef and Samuel L. Jackson as a streetwise black man who is being hunted by a pack of redneck cowboys, led by Michael Madsen, and Van Cleef is his guardian angel and then Val Kilmer saves the day by flying in on a Boeing 707 and blowing up Texas - Different. Why not a afterlife tale, a Tarantino zombie movie would be awesome, or a Tarantino vampire movie once all the hype around Vampire movies has calmed down.

Whatever Tarantino does I hope he doesn't do what I expect. Kill the Bride.

Listen to yr Parents

2009-10-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

The war of attrition between Blogger ltd. and Heath Linn is now over. Thus, this bad mutha fucka is back.

Lately I went to watch Shane Meadows follow up to the disappointing Somer's Town, Le Donk and Scor-Zay-Zee, and it cemented in my mind that Paddy Consindine is the best young actor in Britain. He puts in great performances in films that are made on a shoe string, Le Donk & Scor-Zay-Zee was made on £48,000 and stands out in the multi-million production The Bourne Ultimatum.

So, everyone keep on going to his films so he doesn't end up washed up and sitting in Rita and Norris' Corner Kabin.

Hollywood Studio Owners

2009-10-03T05:08:00.000-07:00

Must know one of two, or both of something about Zombie movies:

A) The world is on the brink of a nuclear holocaust, global warming destruction or another ice age and are warning us that we have to get good at beating up and killing mutants or zombies, or both?

B) Zombie films sell.

Many people's favourite genres of movies are zombie films, don't know why, but yeah they are. Well, anyway, Hollywood have given us another Zombie movie to digest this Autumn/Winter, Zombieland. Zombieland has that dude in who's in every film you see nowadays (Adventureland, Superbad) and also has Woody Harrellson, the actor who fronted one of my favourite films, The Farrelly brother's Kingpin. Anyway, here is the trailer that looks pretty funny and pumped with shit loads of blood drooling mother fuckers.

Also this: "Shortly after finishing the filming of Zombieland, Woody Harrelson had an altercation with a TMZ photographer at New York City's La Guardia Airport. His defense was that he was still in character and thought the cameraman was a zombie"

02/10/09 (Do not know whether that is American or British release date)

Scout Niblett

2009-10-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

There was once a person called Keith Moon, he was the fourth member of a rock band called The Who, who were once called The High Numbers as well, but, Keith Moon was known for his explosive lifestyle. Anyway, after a while of listening to The Who I started to read about the members who made the music I loved so much, my research saw me see that Keith Moon was renowned for 'avin it large and that. This, I loved. I wanted a slice of the cocaine sprinkled rocky mountain cake. I wanted to be Keith Moon.

Sadly, over time, I grew out of my phase of wanting to be Moon the Loon, instead I listened to Cat Power for many a year (two), however, only recently have I discovered you, Scout Niblett and you're more what I was looking for in my music. You're my jam on toast! My starburst when times are hard! My Hollyoaks Omnibus when hungover.

However, if I catch you flirting with Billy 'THE PRINCE' Ginger Pubes one more time I will jump on the Megabus and travel till I meet one of the edges of the world and shoot you, there will be no kiss to save you...apart from maybe Gene Simmons, if he's done making Lil' Chris the next Bono.

Freshers Round Up

2009-10-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

A list of every awesome and cringeworthy thing I've done in the past two weeks:

1. Drank 10 bottles of cheap French lager and KO'd it before 10pm
2. Tried to steal a hoover from a flat party and been thrown out
3. Being locked in a toilet by a faulty lock, consequently getting the party shut down
4. Sneaking up on unsuspecting residents and shouting "only me"
5. Walking home from Revolution by propping myself up on the wall
6. Losing £20, to later have it given back
7. Collected 40 phone numbers for the EDL march on the 5th
8. Attempting to boot down the door of the neighbours coz I can
9. Spewing up because of the smell of someone else puking up
10. Dancing to Shimmy Shimmy Ya at 7AM by myself in the communal kitchen
11. Being awake till 9AM and watching the sun rise
12. Picking Will up by my neck when he was plastered
13. Sitting around the kitchen all day, everyday since Wednesday morning
14. Cutting my hand open, so that you can now see muscle and flesh, by hitting it on the floor after play fighting
15. Eating people's left over food they've left when gone to bed
16. Being the go-to-guy when you need directions around Manchester
17. Drinking six White Russians in about 45 minutes and not being sick
18. Falling asleep in a boring lecture
19. Not turning up for seminars coz I'm a tough guy and couldn't be arsed finding the room
20. Seeing Nick Cave and then rushing out because we couldn't afford his new book
21. Eating tinned food and pizzas for two weeks - banquet
22. Smashing my head on the stairs of Joe's building block and then having to have Anna guide me back home
23. Choking Ava coz she had beef
24. Having the girl with glasses who worked at The Imp in my globalisation class...I avoid her
25. Having my arse ripped to shreds by sub-standard toilet paper and having to go into Geoffrey Manton building on my day off (today) to steal some toilet paper

Drink Responsibly

More, More, More Film Releases

2009-09-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

Greetings Travellers,

Another visit to the cinema today, to watch Fish Tank, meant I collected the pamphlet with all the new films being released in the next few weeks. There is a heavy load of good films comin' in the future - very excited.

First up, is The Army of Crime, directed by Robert Guediguain, who I've sadly never heard of before, but the movie was part of the Official Selection at the Cannes film festival. The cinemography appears to be in similar in vain to Romanzo Criminale and Meserine: Killer Instinct, which are only average and poor films. But, I'm not one to judge.

Released: 2/10/09 (Same date as Invention of Lying)

Secondly, Thirst, the story of a priest who becomes a Vampire, a shit sounding concept but a promosing looking movie nonetheless. Thirst is directed by Park Chan Wook, director of Oldboy, the best film I never saw after Amazon ruined me. The trailer looks cool, Wesley Snipes is shitting it in his little prison cell. There seems to be quite a large output of Vampire movies this year; Let the Right one in, Sexy Women Vampire Killers or whatever that piece of shit was called, Blood, Vampires and Science that is being released shortly as well.

Released: 23/10/09

I will make this one my last one or I'd have covered every interesting looking film for the next month and I need to write more blogs! This is a film that Mark Critchley should go and watch, and I might even take a quick holiday to Liverpool so I can go to the Abandon Normal Devices Film Festival. Yeah, the movies is: The Yes Men - Keep It Slick: Inflitrating Capitalism With the Yes Men. A very wordy title!

The Yes Men, keep it short, follows a group of political activist who create spoof events, websites and conferences and highlight how corporations and governmental organisations often act in dehumanising ways towards the public.

It's being held at Art and Design Academy, Liverpool John Moores University - 24th Oct/25th Oct and it's free.

Nick Love and Danny Dyer - Critics of the Critics

2009-09-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

Nick Love and Danny Dyer have a audio clip out, from the extras of Outlaw the film, and they complain about how they've been "cunted...by fucking broadsheets". Danny Dyer is way out of his league (Unibond Cockney) and just says "hmmm...exactly...hmmm....init" all the way through. But, he is a fackin' geezer.

Mark it Zero

2009-09-22T05:41:00.000-07:00

Do people take pleasure in taking two of the best clips in a film of all time and totally destroy them?

Coen Brothers and John Goodman deserve more respect than this shit.

And, let me tell you something bandero, you flash a piece out on the lane and i'll take it out your hand and shove it up your arse till it goes click.....8yr olds, Dude. Instead of bringing the Dude back they should do a film about Jesus, what a guy.

In Coen Brothers related news I recently watched Fargo again and it was the funniest I've ever seen it. That's all.

Oh...

2009-09-22T05:22:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny when people get outed for filthy little sex pests, it's usually fascists as well - Hitler and Mosley, and one of them only had one ball.

This article is from the Manchester Evening News - the perks of livin' in AMERICA!

A MARRIED dentist pranced around in a leopard-print thong shouting 'get a load of that' and had sex with a nurse at his surgery, a hearing was told.

Anthony Barton, 36, developed a pattern of `sexually motivated behaviour' towards four dental nurses at the dental practice where he worked in Wigan over eight years, it was said.

He regularly groped their bottoms and asked them inappropriate questions, the General Dental Council heard. And, it was told, he cavorted with one nurse - while other members of staff were upstairs.

Barton faces 17 charges in relation to his conduct towards the nurses from 2000 to last year.

Lydia Barnfather, for the GDC, said: “The conduct towards these dental nurses, the council says, shows a pattern of behaviour sexually motivated to transgress both the verbal and physical boundaries and standards to be expected of an individual in his professional position.”

Dental nurse Ms A claims Mr Barton would pull at her knickers as she bent over and try to undo her bra through her tunic.

Miss Barnfather said: “It was indecent touching by itself, however these things were accompanied by conversations of a sexual nature and against a backdrop of unwelcome sexual references.”

She said Mr Barton then began a consensual affair with a dental nurse Ms B.

'Cavorted'

It was claimed the pair cavorted while practice partners were upstairs.

Another dental nurse, Ms D, once walked in on the couple in a ‘compromising position’, it was said. Barton is also alleged to have inappropriately touched another dental nurse, Ms C.

The allegations finally came to light when Ms D complained.

She said Mr Barton had touched her bottom in his surgery room and showed her pictures of celebrities exposing themselves, in between seeing patients.

She saw Mr Barton prancing around in a leopard-print thong, shouting ‘get a lot of that’, the panel heard.

Mr Barton is alleged to have told her she would ‘go far’ if she did not report his behaviour.

Resigned

In June last year, Ms D reported the alleged sexual touching to the practice manager and subsequently the partners.

Mr Barton admitted in a staff interview that ‘I’m guilty of crossing the line’ but declared that ‘if no one had found out it may have happened again’.

He then resigned in August last year, and his partners reported him to the GDC.

Mr Barton denies various allegations that he touched Ms A, Ms C and Ms D. He also claims he did not have a sexual relationship with Ms B during surgery hours.

Mr Barton admits that his conduct towards Ms B was unprofessional and inappropriate and that his conduct towards Ms D was also indecent.

Mr Barton, of Porch House Farm, Runcorn Road, Higher Walton, Warrington, denies misconduct and that his fitness to practise is impaired.
He faces being struck off if he is found guilty.

Proceeding.

"This is the greatest movie ever made"

2009-09-22T05:04:00.000-07:00

Ricky Gervais. What a wild card!

The Invention of Lying:

Released: 02/10/09

Le Donk and Scor-Zay-Zee is Shane Meadow's follow on film from the disappointing and pointless Somers Town. This film doesn't look amazing, it isn't a new or original project, been done before, but I'll watch this anyhow to keep up with the [cinema] Jones'. 0/5 for Originality.

Released: 09/10/09

Everyone says that Superbad is awesome or okay, never watched it, just word of mouth init. Watched this trailer, didn't laugh once. Probably wouldn't even watch the trailer if I was you, just thought I'd put this up here to say I don't like the trailer. Also, the park leader is quite obviously a John Cleese character. 0/5 for originality.

Out now.

Crash Bandicoot

2009-09-17T04:48:00.000-07:00

Many, many years ago, maybe 13 years ago – a superstitious number and an extremely unlucky number if your parents know Michael Jackson. My extremely happy relationship with this Doctor Cortex creation started one Christmas when Crash Bandicoot, the original game, was in my Xmas sack.

I remember one day defeating three bosses in one day, so my dad banned me from the Playstation and then proceeded to complete the game before me. What a soccer dad! Also, Jamie Staziker once came around and played on it and got banned by my Dad, because he didn’t like his style of playing the game; “button bashing and running. You never collect the Wumpa fruit”, not his precise words, but it was that sentence with different wording.

Two days ago, whilst stealing money, I found Crash Team Racing on the Gameboy and it has now become my waking up, just before bed and toilet activity – basically it has knocked wanking into 2nd priority.

Many good memories of Crash Bandicoot, later on today, whilst packing for university I am going to look for the Playstation versions of the game – wasn’t a big fan of the game they released on PS2 though – went too mainstream!!! I also remember the less successful re-boots, maybe I grew out of them and the Ratchet & Clank rip off which I played until I got stuck on about the sixth mission, that game was too highbrow for oneself.

I could never afford to have both Crash and Spyro on the Xmas list – were you Spyro or Crash kid?

Bourne Supremecy

2009-09-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

Today, shamefully, I went on the search around my house to steal petty amounts of money from my siblings – I found £1.12. Result. However, during the search I found products that are priceless: Gameboy Advance with a wide array of games (Crash Team Racing, The Incredibles, Tomb Raider and Sonic), Fantastic Mr. Fox and half a dozen DVD’s.

Among the DVD’s was Bourne Supremacy – The ‘American’ Bond movie, despite having a British director. I will refrain from making comparisons throughout this post, maybe one, but you have to allow me that. Me, Mark Critchley and John Foley watched Bourne Supremacy when it was released a few years ago, I cannot remember what we said about the movie – knowing how we were in the past it probably would have been a few muttered words, either “gay” or “alright” and then ventured back into taking the piss out of one another.

So, I watched Bourne Supremacy with a clean slate, I remembered nothing from the first time I watched it apart from that Paddy Considine was in it. The film is fast paced all the way through it, but this does not mean there is a lack of dialogue or character building, quite the opposite. All the while there is dialogue there is tension building up; the perfect example is while the CIA is tracking Simon Ross (Considine) at his Guardian newspaper office. Something a lot of action movies fail to do (see, I didn’t mention Bond!) and tend to lose the interest of the audience for a while until more rockets are shot up the arse of the Middle East.

My favourite parts of the movie were the Waterloo station sequence of events, which showed that suspense and action can be built up without blowing the shit out of London and then cruising off in a Ferrari or hover-craft. David Strathairn who plays Noah Veson is despicable and doesn’t own a cat (Dr Evil – Austin Powers). Thirdly, America is the villain in this movie, unlike Rambo, Expandables and Steven Segal movies were the baddie is always an Arab, Eastern European or Russian. Finally, my overall favourite part of the movie was the filming of the hand-to-hand combat scenes whilst in Africa. Whilst watching this part of the film I thought “this must have taken weeks to put all together”, it is expertly done and the shaky hand held effect gets you much more involved than fly-on-the-wall camera views.

Overall, a very enjoyable movie that will probably be dismissed by a lot of people because of its nature, but I enjoyed it a lot and would recommend it. Much better than the recent (last 30 years!) Bond movies, with a better cast, more realism and more believable characters (no men with three nipples, flying circuses or Japanese butlers with killer hats), Matt Damon plays Matt Damon just right, that ain’t no bad thing.

4.5/5

Monkey Magic

2009-09-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

Born from an egg on a mountain top
The punkiest monkey that ever popped
He knew every magic trick under the sun
To tease the Gods and everyone and have some fun

Monkey Magic, Monkey Magic. Monkey Magic, Monkey Magic.
Monkey Magic, Monkey Magic. Monkey Magic, Monkey Magic.

What a cocky, saucy monkey this one is
All the Gods were angered and they punished him
Until he was saved by a kindly priest
And that was the start of their pilgrimage west

Monkey Magic, Monkey Magic. Monkey Magic, Monkey Magic.
Monkey Magic, Monkey Magic. Monkey Magic, Monkey Magic.

With a little bit of Monkey Magic, you'll see fireworks tonight.
With a little bit of Monkey Magic, everything will be alright.

FAO: Prospective actors and investors

2009-09-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

In my head I have seen the perfect introduction to my new movie – it’s a homage [stolen] from the first series of Japanese children’s programme – Monkey.

The sequence will be accompanied with Les and Ray by Le Tigre. I am a visionary for our generation, and those that will follow. I’m ready for a night of writing my baby; I’ve got my Armani glasses on and ready to get into the mind of the common kid.

A theatre for the common man. I’m on the brink of something really big. I’m a younger Barton Fink.

I’ve also had another idea for a film, based around a young lady who cannot accept her demons and until she will she will be haunted by them and push those away who want to help her. The subplot being that one of the demons is becoming human with a family.

I’ve been informed Joel Schumacher has pitched my idea to universal and wants to cast George Clooney as a superhero with in-built nipples in his batsuit.

More New Films

2009-09-12T05:47:00.001-07:00

Up in the Air

Jason Reitman’s third film, Up in the Air, stars George Clooney. Normally I wouldn’t watch movies like this, but Reitman directed Thank you for Smoking, and seeing as that is one of my favourite films this is definitely worth a watch.

Released: 25/11/09 (Same date as Men Who Stare at Goats!)

The Road

The Road is an adaptation of The Road, written by Cormac McCarthy (No Country for Old Men) and starring Viggo Mortensen and Charlize Theron (who only appears in flashbacks) The story is a tale of father and son who are trying to make it to the coast, but getting into trouble with cannibals along the way in a post-apocalyptic America. The film is already receiving positive reviews. But more importantly Nick Cave and Warren Ellis supply the soundtrack for this movie, like they did for the Jesse James movie.

Released: 16/10/09

[skip the first 43 seconds of the trailer]

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Yet another adaptation, albeit this movie and book being a little less serious in tone as The Road. Directed by Wes Anderson, who has an all-star cast, including: George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Jarvis Cocker (soundtrack), Owen Wilson, William Dafoe and Bill Murray, at his disposal for the voicing of this animated movie. The trailer seems funny, I’ve seen it before I watched it again today and didn’t find it that funny, but it seems funny again – but there are quite a lot of good films on the same week, so hopefully it’ll fulfill two weeks at the cinema and then I can watch it then, as the 25th of November week has so many strong looking films coming out.

Released: 25/11/09

School Children

2009-09-12T04:49:00.001-07:00

Six weeks of English summer, mostly pissing down and glimmers of change when the sun stops from wanking over African crops to bless our anaemic ridden school children with seventy two hours worth of shooting each other with make belief guns made of sticks, and the occasional tree trunk if you think you’re a member of the Baldwin family in a Stanley Kubrick Vietnam War movie.

Well, a disgusting little poverty ridden schmucks decide to go back to school with a fucking cold and spread it around school. Why don’t the little mother fuckers just stay at home and have another four days holiday, instead of passing the Black Death around Chorley?

Lindsay Hoyle has motioned in the House of Commons to have all children with colds to be chemically castrated, being a knee jerk liberal, I believe this is a little heavy handed, but at least whip them or summat. Bring back the birch!

I’m too young to die.

Gordon Strachan Quotes

2009-09-11T17:18:00.000-07:00

The deadliest humour in football, unlike Glenn Hoddle.

1. Reporter: “Gordon, can we have a quick word, please?”
Strachan: “Velocity” [Walks Away]

2. Reporter: Can I ask you about Augustin Delgado
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Augstin Delgado.

3. Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I’m useless."

4. Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You’re spot on! You can read me like a book.

5. Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you’re spot on there.

6. Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

7. Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I don’t care, I'm Scottish

8. Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

9. Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there….

10. Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?

Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

The pick of the bunch is obviously this one…
On Wayne Rooney being called up for international duty: “It’s an incredible rise to stardom; at 17 you’re more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson”

Henry Rollins ain't shit but bitches and whores

2009-09-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

It’s time for affirmative action; my secretly depressed lifestyle has got to come to an end. I’ve had enough of being so paranoid I have to edit my facebook information every three hours, thus I’ve deleted the entire fucking thing all over again. So, Mark I'll see you at the Holy Cross school re-union in 10 years time. and Marcus I'll see you in politics at University.

Also, why the fuck is my hair thinning? This is not fair. Not even like with losing my hair I am gaining intelligence, that is just a pack full of catholic ridden lies by the head of year 11 at Holy Cross High School!

Look how fucking bald I am becoming – a Wigan fan does not deserve this biological curse!

Hong Kong Women’s Film Makers Festival

2009-09-09T08:02:00.001-07:00

Cornerhouse, former victim to Bloke’s Factions reign of occupation, has decided to put on a Hong Kong women’s film festival, and I have selected the movies I am going to watch. They are as follows:

Ming Ming, Directed by Susie Au – Synopsis:

Ming Ming steals money and a wooden box from gangster Brother Cat, hoping to use her ill gotten gains to flee with D, a boxer she has fallen for. Cat unleashes a series of henchmen to stop her and as she passes on the money to Tu. As he tries to escape he meets Nana who looks just like Ming Ming. In a pair of energetic performances top mainland actress Zhou Xun plays both Ming Ming and Nana alongside Hong Kong heart-throb Daniel Wu.

The Way We Are, Directed by Ann Hui – Synopsis:

This quietly understated film follows the life of mother and son - Mrs Cheung and Ka-0n – as they get on with their lives in Hong Kong’s ‘City of Sadness’, Tin Shui Wai. Shot on HD, Ann Hui delivers a film that whilst far from didactic, offers a glimpse of everyday life in all its quiet nobility.

Anna and Anna, Directed by Aubrey Lam – Synopsis:

Karena Lam plays Anna, a successful woman living in Singapore. She moves to Shanghai when offered a job and whilst there bumps into someone who looks very much like her… With a heavy influence from Kieslowski’s The Double Life of Véronique, Anna & Anna succeeds in finding its finds its own voice and explores what might happen if we meet another version of ourselves who has taken another route through life.

Secondary School, Directed by Tammy Cheung – Synopsis

Shot over three months, the film chronicles the daily lives of two well-respected "Band One" secondary schools, one for boys and one for girls. Using the "direct cinema" approach, the documentary takes a close look at the present condition of the troubled school system and the children, teachers and parents who are all part of it in some way.

Anyway, that was quite a lot of hard work in copy and pasting this information from www.cornerhouse.org/film

soon to be released movies

2009-09-09T06:00:00.000-07:00

Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins star in the Wolfman remake of the 1941 horror movie of the same name. Is that enough big names for you? No! Well, Wolfman is also directed by Joe Johnston, responsible for the cinematic classics; Jumanji and Jurassic Park III. The trailer doesn’t show the movie in great light, but I doubt the movie itself will shine in great light anyway. It looks like a poor mans Van Helsing and League of Extraordinary Gentleman! But, I do have a pet-hate for movies in the same light of this.

To be released: 12/02/2010

Steven Soderbergh returns after saying ‘he can see the end of his career’ just after the release of Che Part II, what consequently starred the previously mentioned Del Toro. However, this time the star of the film is box office, world police and CIA smashin’ Matt Damon. Damon looks pretty funny so far in this film, I confess that I don’t mind the Bourne Trilogy, and am quite looking forward to this movie.

Released on the: 18/09/2009

Fish Tank, Andrea Arnold’s follow up to 2006’s Red Road, follows a 16yr Essex teenage girl with aspirations of becoming a dancer. The film also stars Michael Fassbender, who recently starred in Inglourious Basterds. I’ve been looking forward to this film since God knows when.

Released: 11/09/2009

Trillion Dollar Man

2009-09-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

We will start nice and easily with a little (I Wish!) amount of money - $100

Now, let's get into $10,000 - so little that you could fit it into your pocket and fritter it away on cocaine and alco-pops

The money that was guarded by 10 security guards at the Millenium Dome, the hugely unimpressive $1,000,000

Now we're getting into the big boy's league - the kind of money that David Beckham does have lying around his many houses, and the kind of money KAKA could have had if he moved to Greater Manchester...$100,000,000

Getting even sillier we move into money that very few people have and would happily pay a museam to drool at for a couple of minutes...100,000,000,000

Finally we reach the amount it takes to invade a Middle Eastern country for a couple of weeks, A TRILLION DOLLARS!!!

I Am Damo Suzuki

2009-09-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

Using my telepathic gift I know that all of you out there have wished a bunch of lads would sit around and quote the Office for a weekend, whilst being surrounded by a supporting cast of egotistical kitchen sink manatees.

This weekend the lads hit London; Bringing Northern charm and good looks to a parasite army. To create an idea of the crowd for you – think V Festival, but the total opposite. V Festival is the laid back and cool uncle, whilst Offset is your drunken mother on Xmas day.

Never have I been to a place to be the only person to be wearing a football logo before this weekend. Instead the weekend was dominated by trilbies – I understand, we’re going through a credit crunch as bad as that of 1929 and people want to create a romantic utopia in dreadful times, but there is one problem – you’re not an apple seller who still lies to his wife and says he is still a banker/luxury salesman so that he saves face.

So why dress like a cock muncher? You’re not cool. Paul Jewell does not like you. Thatcher and Reagan do not respect fashion. Fashion is not yr sex slave. Coco Chanel is not your old dinner lady. You’re not a plumber, buy a belt. You’re not poor, buy a new pair of jeans. You’re not Noel Fielding, have a haircut. You’re not a bloody bloke.

Rant Over, Buddy.

Monkey!

2009-09-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

Put your hand up if you’re a fan of Monkey! I’ve just bought this pop-culture 1970’s Japanese masterpiece of children’s television. I remember watching this as a child, but I’m not a child of the seventies and it was my favourite programme, along with Captain Scarlet and Thomas the Tank Engine.

Looking forward to watching Monkey! Will tell you what I feel about it once I’ve watched it all the way through.

Seinfeld Series 1-3 for sale/swap if anyone wants to cut a juicy deal.

How to be Racist: Part One

2009-09-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

This evening, myself and the family, were watching Crimewatch and during one of the reconstructions, well, I'll tell you the story first. A young black male, who'd previously done time for gang rape was dating a girl and things turned ugly. Well, it's showing the reconstruction of the crime (attacking a girl with a hammer)and during this the Crimewatch editor has decided to play over the top African bongos.

This is so racist it's unreal, but what do you expect when Jews and Marxists own the BBC?

Also big shout out to the PKK who were on television tonight for their fighting against the Turks. FIGHT THE POWER.

Ramblings of a Mad Man: The Shock Doctrine

2009-09-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight @ 22:00 hours on More4 I watched Michael Winterbottom’s (A director you will know best for 24 Hour Party People) screen adaptation of Naomi Klein’s book, The Shock Doctrine, a film that Klein herself has disowned due to differences in the structure and tone of the movie, quickly I will sum up the dispute; Klein wanted less narration and more interviews with sufferers and those behind the shock doctrine, instead Winterbottom has gone for narration. I understand where Klein is coming from on this issue, yes there is plenty of evidence and backbone to the minor clips of theoretical discussion Klein puts across, but sadly, there just isn’t enough theoretical discussion in this movie, a tiny amount so that the average viewer knows what is going on but not enough to totally engage you with her wider argument. So, due to this I will have to buy her book once it decides to fall in price.

Saying that The Shock Doctrine is still an enjoyable and educating film, and to balance the two can often be hard as too much of one can turn a film inaccurate and too much of the other can make you fall asleep.

The film begins with showing what The Shock Doctrine is in psychiatric terms, it tells us that it is a way to gain intelligence from the enemy through torture – sleep deprivation, barking dogs, dazing etc. and how it was first discovered that these techniques garnered information.

Next we see the teachings of economist Milton Friedman, basically unregulated economy with no state intervention – for you budding GCSE students out there ‘keep your hands off what isn’t yours!’ and how Friedman started academies and taught students in Chile, before and after the Pinochet military coup. The Pinochet coup and regime was the most insightful and frightening showcase of the powers of the Shock Doctrine - thousands of men and women ‘disappearing’ and ultimately being murdered, protests being broken up, supreme poverty due to Friedman’s economic manifesto. During Pinochet’s reign early on, and even later, a huge rise in poverty was shown and the rich got fatter simply. However, at the same time Winterbottom shows that these policies where not able to be carried out in Western democracies due to General Elections, instead Western economies often found boosts from the government, like America before the re-election of Tricky Dicky.

However, comparisons are drawn between Milk Snatcher Thatcher and Pinochet, both who did steal the milk from the kiddies. Thatcher carried out the same tactics of Pinochet, just under a more legitimate cloud. She showed this through her use of the police force to break up the coal strikes in 1984-1985 and also the war against Argentina. The war in Argentina is depicted as imperialist and a way for Thatcher to re-assert her and Britain’s dominance on a world and national stage. Thus, implicating the Shock Doctrine through use of brute force, and like in Chile depicting it as a great nationalist and patriotic victory.

Thatcher was loyal to Friedman’s idea of ‘freedom’ selling off state ownership in waterworks, British airways, steel, housing, telephone and others, as you will more than well know. Pure economics according to Friedman, but this leads to a problem in the film that aggravated me because Winterbottom never went into debt on the point, a point that could have won people over to the argument more: he never explored the idea that shares in these companies were not bought by ordinary people, but massive corporations who had millions, if not billions, and ultimately do not give interests into the level of satisfaction or service they provide, but are there to put profit before people.

Anyway, I divulge – another dynamite segment of the film, just as shocking, is the depiction of the American army. This shows how Bush et al privatised mass parts of the army, and the day before 9/11 Dick Cheney made a speech in which he disclosed that he aimed to sell the army to private companies – a chilling thought. In 2007 there were more private company individuals than there were to every 100 hundred American soldiers. It’s made even weird with the fact that the creator of this economic ideology does not even agree with the privatisation of the military. Systematically, it shows that common Shock Doctrine techniques have been used in Iraq as other countries before it, disappearance of people, dead bodies by roadside for warning etc.

However, on a brighter note it’s suggested that we, the human mass, are overcoming the Shock Doctrine, and maybe it will no longer affect us, but still, I’d like to see that. I am going to buy the book and hopefully then I will have more of an understanding of the theory, but it seems interesting from what the documentary showed.

Heath Linn - a younger michael parkinson

2009-09-01T16:33:00.000-07:00

Hello, here is a mixtape by Toddla T, and if you scroll down a little you will see half a dozen more mixtapes by the boom dj from the steel city. Here is the link:

http://fairtilizer.com/track/toddlatfabric

What? You want more? Oh, go on then! Here is another soundtrack I'm planning to listen to once it downloads...if my pc can carry out such an elementary task! Here's the track listing:

Lil Scrappy - Addicted to Money
Rasheeda - Juicy like a Peach
Bflecha - Ceja De Carnival
Terror Danjah - Zumpi Hunter (Swindle Remix)
Hudson Mohawke - Twist Clip Loop
Ace Hood - Loco 4 Cake
Jeremy Greene - Pitbull - Rain Remix (Instrumental)
Rustie - Relay
Loops Haunt - Rubber Sun Grenade
Hudson Mohawke - Glue Tooth
Samoyed - Maybe Yes
The Dream - Sweat It Out
Tiago - Never Forget
Subeena - Dereflex
Young Snead - I Love When Dey Hate
Hudson Mohawke - Fuse
The Cool Kids - Jump Rope
Doll Phase - Damn Right (Instrumental)
Sweat X - I'm That Alley (Mike Slott remix)
Loops Haunt - Impact Omnihammer
Rustie - Teen Souls Burning
7vwwvw - It's my Birthday

http://www.factmagazine.co.uk/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3348&Itemid=98

What has the Dude gone and done?

2009-08-31T12:25:00.000-07:00

Looks like Jeff Bridges has left behind his old passive ways and decided to enrol for the army, maybe his 10% cut wasn't enough. Despite Obi Wan Kenobi's terrible American accent this film looks quite good and the trailer made me laugh. Looking forward to watching the movie in full when it comes out. But I do hope that George Clooney's performances doesn't leave him as red faced as one of his earlier performances...

Also the Coen's newest film since Burn After Reading, A Serious Man has a trailer, it has been circling for a while, but only just got around to putting up. It looks interesting and the trailer beat is awesome - all it needed was a good dosage of John Goodman.

Help cut out piracy!

Billionaire's Son vs. Public School Boy

2009-08-31T03:29:00.000-07:00

News Corp Chief (N.C.C.) leader James Murdoch comes up against Robert Peston of BBC – the battle between the two fierce rivals has been bubbling for months, and Peston finally snapped after Murdoch’s claim that the BBC is “Strangling” competition on Sunday night’s edition of WWE Heat.

This won’t only be two individuals fighting for the World Heavyweight Title, but a fight of Smackdown vs. Raw. BBC’s recent “land grab” of events on the RAW roster has pushed Murdoch too far, a man who is used to getting his own way.

Events went too far after Murdoch was addressing the WWE Smackdown audience and Peston stormed the stage, to which Murdoch shouted “HOW DARE YOU?!?!”, but for Peston to retort “IF YOU THINK YOU CAN GET FUCKING ANGRY, I CAN GET FUCKING ANGRY”

Jerry Lawler said “This will be the greatest wrestling match since Obama and McCain, with two colossal creatures of business the size of Andre the Giant”

Tune to Sky Sports Pay-to-View this Tuesday to witness the greatest sporting entertainment event.

Music Round-Up

2009-08-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

Of late I’ve not been on the button with music, I became lazy and uninterested in discovering new bands for about five months, but today, while all [two of] my friends have been to Leeds (I hope it rained all weekend) I decided to trawl through various websites [Drowned in Sound, Pitchfork and Hip-Hops blogs I can’t recall] and have found some new and exciting [for me] sounds.

Here is a list of the great, they’re all available on Spotify, which I suspect if it catches on with every music listener will be shut down by the music industry.

Bearsuit
Children of the Bong
Coachwhips
Double Dagger
E.S.G.
FaltyDL
Kap Bambino
Lovvers
Major Lazer
Pterodactyl
South Rakkas Crew
The Death Set
The Mummers
You Love Her Cos She’s Dead
Women
Wild Beasts
The XX (not as good as the hype says, but alright)
Toddla T
These Are Powers
XX Teens
The Hunches
Scout Niblett

My five favourite out of that list are:

1) Major Lazer
2) South Rakkas Crew
3) Double Dagger
4) Kap Bambino
5) Coachwhips

If you do download or Spotify any of those bands I hope you enjoy, unlike them fucking adverts on spotify – the hypocrisy of the government sharing anti-alcohol propaganda with Fosters adverts, eh?

Heath Linn: 08/01/1991 - 30/08/2043

2009-08-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

Greeting Travellers,

I, Lizo Mzimba, allow you to view British greatest movie and play director at his mental low and professional top. The following interview took place in 2037, just after he released his movie biopic of former rock star and Prime Minister Carl Barat. I hope this allows you to view the misunderstood “maverick cop” in a different light, hopefully a sympathetic and loving light.

Q) Hello Heath, you were formerly known for you outrageous antics and amazing charismatic personality. How did this period of your life make you feel?

A) Great question, Winston. I feel that period of my life came out of being sick and tired with the artistic draught that was taking place in the Chorley/Leyland area in late 2007. At the time there was nobody out there who had the balls, like me, to wear a jumper/cardigan without a shirt underneath – when I first did this people said I was crackers, others said I was a mis-understood genius. It’s up to you to decide, and you know why? Because this is a democracy and we have choice.

Q) But what would you say to the people who said, and some still do say, that you had a nasty streak to your wonderful personality?

A) Utter codswallop! Not once have I ever raised a fist or octane at a person, object or animal, and if anybody has evidence, not just ‘their word’ I would like to see it, because I tell you one thing these allegations would not stand up in court! So why should I take this rigmarole on the streets.

Q) Some say that you have been disrespectful in the past and that your ego got in the way of your former kind and loving nature…

A) What former kind and loving nature – haha! I only joke; you don’t win a Palme D’Or for helping the blind cross the road. My ego? Never been a problem, I’ve always been in control of my so-called ego, never a problem. But I would like a cold can of coke! - *laughs*

Q) So what would you say the reason for having a young, midget Turkish boy carrying your baggage around the set was?

A) That? That was just standard practice. Every director, in the top ten of an academic subject, had to have a disabled, or as I like to call them – a spak, carrying their baggage around. It’s human nature for the lesser to look after the superior AKA me.

Q) But do you not think that displays an ego?

A) Your persistent questioning comes from some ego – a great whopping big fat ego, my friend. You’re like leather, you brown cunt, leather man, make a suitcase out of you. You look disgusting you fat cunt.

Q) Excuse me?

A) I must apologise, it was the heat.

Q) Does that not show the temper and anger people have been talking about?

A) I don’t think it does, I think it shows a Machiavellian streak in oneself that puts me ahead in the rat race, and too a degree out of the rat race.

Q) Okay. So what are you currently working on?

A) Well, I’m glad you asked really. It’s a movie about vampires, but not an ordinary vampire movie, this movie is about homosexual vampires – because if you think about it a vampire, ultimately a man as Dracula is, is ultimately gay when he is sucking the blood of other men. So I thought ‘why not take this to another dimension?’, so I decided to write a script in which a vampire, Dracula, bites a man, but becomes so infatuated by him that he can’t bring himself to bite him one more time – but here comes the twist…he is the last man on the planet!

Q) Wow. How long have you been writing this?

A) I’ve not, I’m a bloody genius and thought of that on the spot.

Q) Don’t want to sound like I’m brown nosing but you’ve a special creative mind that drives you ahead of the rest.

A) haha, thanks. Michael Haneke and Ken Loach said exactly the same thing just a few days ago.

Q) How are they?

A) Is this a fucking interview about them fucking cunts, fucking telling me how fucking great I am? I don’t fucking need them to fucking tell me how fucking great I am. And you fucking know why BECAUSE I FUCKING KNOW I’M GREAT!

Q) Okay. I’m so sorry

A) Don’t apologise, it’s not your fault – it’s that damn wasp it’s really winding me up and just making me feel nauseas. Go on, ask the next question, and don’t mind me.

Q) Mmmh. So have you been working on anything exclusively before that great mind wave?

A) Ahhh, yeah – A play about school children who plan a robbery of a pornography magazine from a newsagent. It’s a play about loyalty, friendship, discovery of oneself, comradeship, betrayal and childhood humour. I do believe that children are rarely portrayed correctly in plays or movies – and when they’re portrayed well as vulnerable, funny, free for all scallywags the movie or play director/screen writer forgets that around friends children have a foul mouth and can say hurtful things.

Q) Well, that has been addressed in o-

A) – shut the fuck up you snotty nosed kid who thinks he know every mother fucking intricate detail about fucking life and films, you think you know everything because you’ve got a fucking degree and you can fucking suck of lecturers for degrees, or if that fucking fails and your cum stained tongue begs mummy and daddy to buy your fucking results you mother fucking cunt. You fucking tanned up mother fucking fat alligator. Fuck off.

*Doctor Heath Linn storms out the studio*

I believe this shows the true nature of the great director; Heath Linn, before he sadly passed away yesterday, 30/08/2043. On one half a truly great mind, the other a man tortured by a wondering torment of his rejection from Lucy Jacksons party in 2009, such a crushing rejection can never be recovered from.

My best wishes and sympathies with Heath’s family and friend at the moment.

The Best of Karl Pilkington

2009-08-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

Karl's opinion on fables: "That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog."

Karl's opinion on old age: “Well, like, when you're born, you're a little baby, you're wrinkly and stuff, when you get older you sort of morph into a baby again...”

Karl's opinions on art: "Stop looking at the walls, look out the window."

Karl's view on Noah's efficency ""If I was [Noah], I would have gone, "Hang on a minute, I've just seen somethin' that looks a bit like this, let it drown", have a bit of a clear out, but he was messin' about savin' everythin'"

Karl's critique of Charles Darwin: “Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?”

Karl gets philosophical: "Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine."

"At some point, somethin has had it away with a leaf" This is Karl's explanation of an insect which has evolved to look like a leaf to protect itself from prey.

Karl on being stuck to key dates: "That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it; December 25th"

Karl on cutting open avocados- "It's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts."

Karl on his dreams of meeting Warlock Davis: "The first time I see him, I'd be a little like, what should I say, what shouldn't I say? Whereas once you get to know him I'm sure he'd be a lovely little fella."

Karl on erm...eating nob: "It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob."

Karl comes up with a solution for sea pollution: "[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful."

"I'd kick it, and I'd say 'You knob-head'." - Karl tells Ricky his response to being poisoned by an octopus

Karl on specsavers: "A dog has got human eyes."

Karl on animal entertainment: "I saw a cockroach playing Pacman."

Karl's amazed homelessness affects other races: "Walking down the street in London with Suzanne, saw a little homeless.. well I didn't see the homeless bloke right, I saw a leg stickin out of a doorway, thought 'here we go', right. Walked past it, right, you're not gonna believe this. Homeless.... chinese fella. I've never seen one of them."

"Just sort of wander about and that, and just not get seen" What Karl would do with the power of invisibility

Karl's views on the gays: "I'm still none the wiser as to why they do that"

Karl explains sex: "You build up to it, don't you? You have that bit of a chat, and you go "alright? Hows it going?". You get on an' that and then a little baby pops out."

Karl probes Stephen Merchant: “Were you a tall baby?”

Karl on holidays: "Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."

AND THE GRAND FINALE: "I could eat a knob at night."

Monkey News

2009-08-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

A round up of what's what!

Penelope Cruz is pretty good looking. Never really noticed her up until yesterday when I saw Volver. I think she defeats Sophie Ellis Bexter and Katy Perry as the most attractive celebrity; them being the only two celebrities I've ever thought of as being attractive.

Today I watched If...(Lindsay Anderson), Hidden (Michael Haneke) and Broken Embraces (Pedro Almodovar) - three brilliant movies. All very different, but each movie had at least one engrossing and spectacular scene. Sadly, I could not find the clips from Hidden and Broken Embraces. So here is Travis creating some anarchy at private school.

Vivian Girls new album, on first listen, sounds much stronger and developed than the first album, definitely sounds like a great album already. Looking forward to listening to it on full volume when everyone else is at work.

Rowdy Roddy Piper - The Highs, and No Lows

2009-08-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

Wrestlemania had middle aged men and Gareth Holden wet when Rowdy Roddy Piper made a spectacular comeback to the World Wrestling Entertainment.

Rowdy Roddy Piper was heroicly depicted in the worldwide hit The Simpsons by Groundkeeper Willy. Here we go again!

Finally, wrestling and cartoons weren't the only thing Rowdy Roddy Piper dipped his toes into, he also loved to act. Here we can see a clips of one of my favourite movies and after you've seen this I'm sure it will be yours too! - Hell Comes to Frogtown.

Man has always had it's limits. But Rowdy Roddy Piper isn't man to me, he is God.

Brothers Gotta Work it Out!

2009-08-25T15:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight, whilst Jamie was filling his Vauxhall Corsa with Unleaded diesel we heard a huge cheer coming from the Pilling Lane direction – we knew it was the colossal football megastars who once reached the round three of the FA Cup: Chorley FC.

So, we headed over to Victory Park as it was bound to me more entertaining than throwing litter onto the Friday Street Car Park. After parking up we strolled into the ‘stadium’, for free, although those who watched the entire game paid £7. We thought it would be empty, but as it turned out Chorley FC were hosting the top of the league, and Yorkshire sheep fuckers – Halifax Town. On arrival we thought it was busier and louder than usual, then when we turned the corner we saw around 1,000 people jumping up and down as Halifax had just equalised to take it to 3-3.

So we weren’t stood in the away stand we walked to the Chorley stand, but on the way we met one of Ryan’s friends from Manchester United, so we hung with him. However, nearby was a woman with her husband. This woman believed, somewhat delusional, that she had the equal rights to men at the football – what she was doing there in the first place was beyond me. It begs the question of why, if woman are socially allowed to go football matches why the government has not outlawed this heinous crime, like Iran.

She shouted out, weakly: “make the pass”, “create space” etc. Somehow, this woman must have believed she was somewhat of a genius when it comes to football as none of these footballers thought about making space or passing the ball when in trouble. Instead they thought that they would man mark their defender and allow the opponent to tackle them every time they received the ball.

This baffles me, if she is thinking that in her head, keep it there, I don’t think footballers need to be told to do their job by some small and fat 50yr old woman. The idea that spectators shout to players what their next action should be – like in a Who Wants to Be a Millionaire format Wayne Rooney has the chance to make a run into the box and attempt to slot the ball into the bottom corner, or blast the ball from the edge of the box and have a 50/50 chance of beating the goalkeeper, or play a through ball and give Dimitar Berbatov an equally expectant chance to convert. So, with so many chances ahead of the young striker he takes his dilemma to the crowd, asking for an answer to his predicament Old Trafford home supports vote by electronic remote control and then Chris Tarrant wanders onto the pitch, filmed by Danny Boyle, and gives Wayne the results.

This one woman, and fat men and women across the world have to realise that they have no control over the performance of the individual player on the pitch just by shouting “over-the-top” or “run faster”. Instead, like Halifax Town they need to get together and chant songs, thus creating energy and pace for the game.

Individual insults = struggling in oblivion
Collective chants = top of the league

Rashomon: in being characterised by multiple conflicting or differing interpretations

2009-08-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

Having only a few hobbies I find it very hard to pick subjects to write about on here, but yet again I am going to turn to my trusty best friend – cinema. Recently, after a couple of weeks of wanting, and then impulsively thinking “fuck it – go mental with the overdraft” I bought Akira Kurosawa’s movie – Rashomon. Although, not the most entertaining movie I’ve ever watched, but how can anything once you’ve seen the cinematic classic; War of the Worlds – whoever thought Tom Cruise depicting a docker was believable needs their back up against the wall.

Rashomon is a 1950 Japanese movie set in the 12th century, where a woman is raped and her husband murdered. We hear several accounts of the events, including that of the dead husband, albeit through a spiritualist. All the different accounts contradicting one another, and thus throwing up the question of whether there is any truth in such a callous society where a man is driven to rape, and maybe murder.

Despite being at odds with the philosophy of the movie I still recognise the hugely influential story telling narrative of the movie. The movie shows every suspect and witness turning up, at what seems an elder’s court, and describe what they saw, every story contradicting the other. With every tale comes another twist and turn, but you never know whether this twists in the plot are true or not because they’re from the perspective of a human trying to clear their name in front of the judiciary.

The film has obviously influenced several directors throughout history, most popularly and well known is the 1996 movie – The Usual Suspects, yet that does not give the story the justice it deserves. Something I hope I might be able to do, as if in the end I do enrol for Film Studies as an extra subject in second year and have to make a short movie I would definitely look at doing a contemporary take on Rashomon, with a different philosophy.

The film is definitely worth checking out, and hopefully in the future I will be able to afford the extraordinarily priced Seven Samurai, Throne of Blood and Yojimbo, all Akira Kurosawa movies. Maybe I’d be able to buy them if I stopped going watching Inglourious Basterds over and over again – may go for a third time when my brothers go to Leeds Festival and a forth when my real brother arrives home from Sweden. Oh, on the note of Inglourious Basterds, I’ve picked my brains and thought of the perfect replacement for Eli Roth – Eric Bana. He was born to kill…in movies.

If anybody wishes to borrow Rashomon ask me. My thirst for new films has continued this week as I’ve purchased Dark Habis (Pedro Almodovar), Clockers (Spike Lee) and Hana-Bi (Takeshi Kitano), and Marcus Barnett, if you are reading: I will buy Do the Right Thing for £2 – Deal or No Deal?

That’s a Bingo

Take Two: Inglourious Basterds

2009-08-20T18:23:00.001-07:00

Quentin Tarantino, living genius or falling dinosaur? Tarantino’s spaghetti western world war two movie has definitely planted itself as a resident of the marmite constituency. John Patterson, The Guardian referring to Tarantino’s new movie as “incoherent and embarrassingly ill-wrought”, whilst others, and singling out one long time admirer of Tarantino’s work, Roger Ebert sums up the movie and the opinion that many will hold much more eloquently than Mr. Patterson, “a big, bold, audacious war movie that will annoy some, startle others and demonstrate once again that he’s the real thing”. Tarantino has been on record stating that “this ain’t your daddy’s war movie” – so why are so many finding the concept of what Tarantino has created so difficult is beyond me. Tarantino from the off-put has stated that he was not looking to create a historical lesson, but was intending to tell a story of a group of individuals fighting for freedom, turning fear upon the fear mongers and inspiring others to do what they have.

Inglourious Basterds is set in Nazi occupied France, and follows four stories which all intertwine (nothing new to Tarantino movies – Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown) through their common goal – killing the enemy. Chapter one introduces us to Col. Landa, nicknamed ‘The Jew Hunter’. Christopher Waltz’s depiction of The Jew Hunter is sinister, calculated, ironic, funny and mannered, deserving of an Oscar nomination, after this stand out performance; in a movie where every – but one, performance is stand out. The only performance I hold distaste with is ‘The Bear Jew’ played by Eli Roth, somewhat of a strained performance in which Roth never seems convincing; the only redeeming factor for the role is the actual strength of the character. The Bear Jew is a member of ‘The Basterds’ (Nicknamed by the German soldiers) who we’re introduced to in the second chapter. The Basterds make their way through Nazi occupied France destroying segments of the German army, The Basterds are hell bent on causing physical pain for the Nazis – and why not? The Basterds are led by Aldo Raine, a tribute to 1970’s B-War Movie actor Aldo Ray. The ultimate plan, Operation Kino, leads all the major roles together to a French cinema, where the death of leading Nazis is dreamt of to stop the war.

This ending has brought many criticisms to the movie, claims that Tarantino has “taken liberties” with history, something Waltz and Tarantino firmly deny, Waltz claiming it is all part of being an “Artist”, something I happen to agree with him on. [Spoiler] During the first showings of Inglourious Basterds in Berlin there were many cheers and ‘whoops’ when the Fuhrer was murdered by The Bear Jew. Tarantino’s movie brings up interesting points of how cinema can change the world, maybe not in the sense Tarantino shows in the movie, but he probably knows that, but in a sense of creating resistance. However, David Cox argues that “Operation Kino’s flames consume not just the Third Reich, but reality itself” but I believe he firmly misses the point of the entire film with this comment. I expect nobody to enter the cinema thinking to see a war movie in the same light as Downfall, Black Books, Days of Glory etc., but to see a war movie which throws away conventional history for two and a half hours, allows you to escape your life and all your constraints, and lets you think “what if?”, thus empowering people to know they have the power to change history. This is what the movie says to me more than just your standard revenge story, and it seems many critics have watched this movie from a view point of conservatism, and have failed to see the element that movies allow you to deconstruct history and re-write for the value of entertainment, which this film offers in abundance.

{Spoiler} One of my favourite aspects of the movie, which you rarely see in other war movies, is that Tarantino never allows the audience to get comfortable and cosy with his Basterds. This looks to have come out of a distaste, which I share, in many movies that you know from the start who is going to live and who is going to die, something which ruins a lot of movie experiences for me, but something you never have in Tarantino’s movies. For example, John Travolta’s Vega character dies quickly and surprisingly in Pulp Fiction, none of the main characters successfully get away with the robbery heist in Reservoir Dogs. This is continued in Inglourious Basterds, with Basterds hiding for much of the film to arrive towards the end as a hero. Another effect of Tarantino’s I appreciate, although not being exclusive to Tarantino’s movies, is that when a character does not understand what is being said in a foreign language, neither do you. This works extremely well. Also, before going into this movie I never really thought that Tarantino’s soundtracks were as good as people claim they are, apart from Harry Nilsson’s Coconut, of course, but this movie has one of the greatest soundtracks I’ve ever heard, along with The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, and surprisingly they’re both done by the same man, Ennio Morricone, albeit Tarantino borrows his from another movies.

The movie has been criticised for not only being too long, but too boring. Peter Bradshaw was “struck afresh by how exasperatingly awful and transcendentally disappointing…colossal, complacent, and long-winded” movie Tarantino had created. However, not once through this movie did I look at my watch, want for the scene to move on or think “why hasn’t that been cut?” The film was enjoyable throughout and hooks you in from the start and never leaves you feeling isolated from the characters in the movie, but due to the soundtrack and the acting makes you feel like you’re actually there watching them, something I’ve rarely felt before. A major criticism of the film is the infamously long card scene’ was certainly not too long, if anything it was the perfect build up of tension and suspense by Tarantino, something that Tarantino appears to be able to pull off in every movie he creates, even the ending of Kill Bill; Volume 2 has some aspects of tension despite being overly drawn out. The scene also showcases the talents of German born actor Michael Fassbender, who, at the age of 18 re-enacted Reservoir Dogs at a local nightclub, and originally studied for the role of Colonel Landa. Fassbender plays an upper-class British film critic, who embodies some sort of want to be an actor during his scenes of arguing with the mayor. Fassbender is yet just one of the many displays of acting brilliance throughout this movie.

So the movie that was thought to never be created, a thought shared by Lawrence Bender (Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction producer), has certainly silenced me after I’d begun to question the previous work of Tarantino as a little self-indulgent. Tarantino was once sort to be an equal of Scorsese, and then said to be a let down to never living to his promise, but I can never envisage Little Marty ever doing anything as magnificently outrageous as this movie. Tarantino has shown that in movies changing history can be a good thing (something Spielberg didn’t)and represented that cinema can be a catalyst to building resistance, something many already knew, but a thought that has been lost in contemporary Hollywood cinema and instead replaced by tripe like all out American movies like Transformers. As a genius once said “put conventional logic to one side, and enjoy, well, I say enjoy”.

Review: Inglourious Basterds

2009-08-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

Never change your plans because people just fuck up your day.

Mesrine: Killer Stink

2009-08-17T12:11:00.000-07:00

Jean-Francois Richet’s new movie Mesrine: Killer Instinct tells the tale of French criminal Jacques Mesrine who was murdered by French police in 1979. The tale is told from the auto-biography of Mesrine, which leads to a sceptical viewing from the start.

Richet’s directing and story reeks of Scorsese, and just regurgitates gangster clichés which are repetitively used by Hollywood gangster movies. For example, falling in love with the most beautiful girl in the room, marrying her, being nagged to spend more time with the wife instead of staying out all night with the wife, abusing her, leaving her, playing poker whilst smoking & drinking, plenty of whores on the side and most importantly: respect.

Richet attempts, maybe under pressure from the auto-biography, to portray Jacques as a man driven to violence due to his time in the army. This however fails to stick – instead Mesrine comes across as a brute before his time in the army due to his actions and once leaving the army joining underground crime seems natural for a man of his nature.

Naturally for a gangster film of this nature and view point consistent violence is shown throughout the movie, but the violence is not even interesting, mainly due to a lack of suspense. This is brought about for two reasons, A) You know that whatever happens Mesrine is going to survive because there’s a sequel to come, and B) You don’t care what happens to Mesrine or any of his associates. The ending being a perfect example in the woods, as soon as the Park Wardens arrive you know they will die, there’s no suspense involved, you’re never left wondering whether Mesrine might show compassion or torture them, instead he just points a gun and shoots, and after two hours of this it’s extremely boring.

This leads to another interesting point. Throughout the film there are just random scenes, in which you don’t know why they happen. Like the death of Mesrine’s best friend and boss, it just happens randomly one night, so Mesrine flees. The film misses chunks of Mesrine’s life out, and this can work in some movies, but this movie is moving so fast that it just doesn’t work and leaves the film lacking character depth, and instead having plenty unneeded shoot-outs and rescue missions.

One point in the film when they try to show character depth, but not understanding, is when they show him in the light of a media superstar in France. There are interesting ways of showing this, and one of them is not to copy Oliver Stone’s dire attempt in Natural Born Killers. This for me was one of the worst moments in the movie and this part of the movie should have attempted to explain in a linear and narrative way why Mesrine became such a superstar in his home nation.

If you enjoy watching mind numbing and generic gangster movies, which are supposed to be a little more credible because it’s foreign cinema then be my guest and waste £5 like I did. Otherwise, steer away from Mesrine: Killer Instinct and it’s sequel and buy a decent gangster movie.

1/5

Poetic Justice

2009-08-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

Greetings Travellers,

Simon Jordan and Neil Warnock, two of the biggest wankers in football got a portion of their just deserves on Saturday when Freddy Sears scored - or did he?

The two of them have been involved in so many spats over the past few years that they're now the class clowns of football who nobody takes serious or listens to. Simon Jordan has infamously fallen out with Iain Dowie and Steve Bruce over the years when they've wanted to leave his clubs, and Neil Warnock complained about referees at the end of every game they played whilst in the Premier League and then cried for two years when he thought they were wrongly relegated due to the 'Tevez Saga' which has added to financially crushing West Ham.

I do not care about Crystal Palace, I have only ever liked Gabor Kiraly. Plus I've tipped Bristol City for promotion, through the play-offs, so every 3 points helps.

Hark The Herald Angels Sing

2009-08-17T06:32:00.000-07:00

Greetings Travellers,

History has a way of creating great leaders and martyrs. The latest in the selective few, Mark Critchley: Anti-Fascist leader went through torture and interrogation and still remained impervious to police probing for top secret information. Mark Critchley is now widely known for being a young and exuberant replacement for Terry Eagleton, and a more mainstream friendly Charlie Brooker.

It’s these figures in society who set the foundation for inspiration and a new wave of young talent. Mark Critchley is currently doing for British Culture what Akira Kurosawa did for Japanese cinema, what Jean-Luc Godard did for French New Wave Cinema and what Steven Spielberg did for Hollywood movies. So, in these new and exciting times I have decided to start my own blog – in the light of this social enlightenment figure, who historically, will be remembered in the same light of George Orwell, Robbie Williams (1998-2005) and Igmar Bergman. I will be exploring the crevasse of popular and classic culture.

Let the games begin.